No is an answer like Yes

My mobile rang yesterday morning. Anonymous Call. Half asleep (this was before my second coffee) I answered the call, expecting to hear the voice of my friend Hen Lady to make arrangements for Friday's Day Of Escape.

Hen Lady is the friend with two twin boys, one dog and 5 chickens (namely Rodney, Trigger, Big Bird, Ollie and Nugget - Del Boy, Gandalf and Frango (formerly 'Stupid') had been decapitated by foxes, and Bling had died of old age)

But it wasn't Hen Lady, it was a young woman working for a recruitment agency, who spotted the CV I had posted online. After gathering a bit more (muddle-headed) background on what experience I had and what type of role I wanted, where I wanted to work, would I be prepared to relocate, she told me that she had a role that she would love to put me forwards for as it perfectly matched my skills. She was very excited.

The position was as a technical trainer working for a software company, in Cambridge.

Not wanting to sound incapable or inflexible (and thoroughly flattered that my CV was transforming me in to some kind of IT Training Super Hero), I agreed for her to email the job role to me and to speak again in a couple of hours.

I read the job description and discounted each of my fears, one by one.

She had advised me not to be too concerned about the requirements for technical knowledge - I didn't need to be that technical. All the same, they stated they wanted in depth knowledge of servers, programming languages and web development. I was taught a few programming languages in University but that was over ten years ago. And I know what a server is, but I couldn't tell you the difference between an Apache server and an IIS server. I mean, I've heard of them, but I figure they would like a little more detail.

I took a look at their website to get a better idea of their products. And I hate to admit this, but it was so technical, I didn't understand a single word. They have created some kind of marvellous platform, but I couldn't even tell you why, or how it could be used.

They also wanted someone with at least a year's experience of IT classroom training, including setting up the room. Okay, so I could make myself sound more impressive, but had a feeling that this might backfire on me at interview, if grilled. Because this is another area where I don't have solid experience.

And the role was in Cambridge, which would mean a long commute. Well, maybe not a long commute - the train from Kings Cross takes 50 minutes. Let's see how close to the station they are in Cambridge. Oh. They're at least 4km from the station in the middle of a business park. Sooo.... 25 minutes from the front door to Kings Cross, 50 minutes on a train to Cambridge, 20 minutes bus ride at the other end. Add on waiting time and the commute would easily be over 2 hours, each way. If I hired a car and drove there, then the 1 hr and 15 minutes up the A10, round the M25 and up the M11 would easily be two hours in rush hour. And with training sessions running from 9 to 5 (plus at least 45 minutes before and after to set up and pack up) it would be a long day.

This isn't what I want. I don't want an enormous commute combined with a steep learning curve both on the training and technical side. I also don't want to be commuting outside of London, when I have only just moved in, for the specific reason of being close to my sister and being closer to the Kabbalah Centre. And I don't want to relocate either for the same reasons. But I don't want to appear unwilling either. Yes, I am sure I am capable, but this isn't what I want.

I emailed my teacher and expressed my feelings. What I really want is to find a decent job that uses my skills, enables me to attend the centre and be near to my sister, and not take up so much of my energy and time that I cannot focus on what I really want: to find a nice man and settle down. But if I turn down this opportunity, how is that perceived by the Light?

My teacher answered in one line.

Go with your feelings with certainty. No is an answer like Yes.

I rang the recruiter and told her that her offer had given me an opportunity to focus on what I really want - and that I didn't want to relocate. She was fine - very nice, in fact - and we will continue to be in touch for similar roles in London.

So last night I set up my automatic job email feeds and had a quick scan through the first email for suitable roles. And there, a short way down the listing, was a really positive and friendly job advert, for a nice little role with a good salary, in a charitable company. And the location? Just around the corner from the centre.

As my Mum would say: "Well, I'll be blowed" Although I've no idea what that actually means.

So I'm going to apply for this role, too, with the certainty that if it's for me, it's for me. And if not, I am certain that something else is lined up and waiting.

Interesting times

So here I am, 6 days from Move day.

Actually, I booked the van for 6 days time, but have to be out in 8 days. Phew! When you put it like that it seems like forever!

Because I still haven't got a clue where I am moving to.

Somehow, in the next 6 days, I have to find a home for the following:

• An American Queen sized bed base
• Two 7ft x 3 ft bookcases
• A two seater sofa
• A fridge freezer
• A coffee table
• A cheap dining table
• A 26" flat screen TV (plus TiVo recorder, DVD and Video Recorder, DVD player, Freeview box...)

And possibly:

• Two chests of drawers
• Two canvas wardrobes
• 4 boxes of items currently not selling on eBay.

Oh, and Me.

So it's interesting.

I went to view a place the other day, made my best effort to charm the landlord (who lives in the flat) and am due to hear back today whether I am The Chosen One out of all of the people who came to view. The room is part furnished. It would fit my stuff. It is perfectly located. He is very jovial. I think I might be lucky.

Plus when I visualised my Perfect Home and put in my request to the Creator, the house had a modern flushing toilet, amazing shower, and a 5 ring gas hob. Oh, and the landlord has the same taste in wooden furniture (although I didn't actually mention that in my request, but, nice touch - thanks). So it's all just meant to be. Isn't it.

Isn't it? Oh crap.

So I have spent the last couple of days working out how to arrange my newly whittled belongings in to his spare room. Instead of focusing long and hard on finding as many suitable places that I can stay.

So here is where my Certainty comes in to play - I've already booked the van. And if push comes to shove and I have nowhere to go, then it's not going to be that hard to rent some storage for a week or two, let's face it - somebody will let me sleep in their spare room whilst I am still looking.

As for the packing and clearing and moving, the only items actually packed at the moment are the ones posted on eBay, so that they are good to go. If they sell. Everything else is still almost in its place. The reason for this is a dread of the pending chaos - once you start to pack and sort, there are going to be boxes all over the place. And in the middle of all of this, the Lettings Agency keep bringing people round to view the place, reminding me that I have yet to find somewhere to live.

I have only been in once when they have brought people round to view. For one thing, the schoolboy who came to show them round (what, is he on the Youth Training Scheme or something?) didn't bother to knock to see if I was in - just opened the front door and turned bright red when he saw me sitting there. The 'interested' party followed him round the house talking in hushed tones, peering in to cupboards, afraid to say what they actually thought whilst I was sitting there. I could see that the place wasn't for them as soon as they walked in - they're not the Old, Victorian, Crumble-Down, Tumbly-Up House type. They wouldn't last a day with that toilet, which makes all of the valiant flushing sounds in the world, but achieves very little with 9 litres of water. (Don't you know, Mr Toilet, that there are people in the world who are crying out for that 9 litres of water that you are wasting?!)

And it's a pain having people round to view the place - not so much because of the interruption, but more the reminder that I haven't actually found somewhere to live myself, and perhaps instead of going through my bathroom junk to see what I can throw out, I should be surfing the net on the lookout for flatmates??

Anyway, I've finally started. Last night I cleared out 6 bin liners full of junk, which currently has no place to go and is sitting in my living room in front of other things which I have now decided to take to the dump. So I'm going to be tripping over that all day.

And the good news is that there will be no more visitors - they have finally let the house, so the only person to be tripping over stuff will be me.

Of course, I'm taking this as a sign that I will receive a positive call from my new landlord later today.

Or that the Universe is about to kick my butt for being so complacent and putting all of my eggs in to one basket...

I'll let you know which....

I just think you need to get a job x1000

So here I am, in the throes of preparing to move. There feels like so much to do and I cannot think straight. So much so, in fact, that on Friday night, my brain was buzzing with it all and on Saturday I felt completely wiped.

I am surrounded by a distracting amount of clutter that I cannot see through - things I want to sell, things I want to donate, things I want to keep - all piled up, all messy, no space on any floor. But I was keeping my Certainty - everything is fine, the right place will come up at the right time. And the more apparent resistance I receive, the more I feel as though it is truly going to happen.

Until my Dad came to pick me up Saturday afternoon.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love my Dad to bits and I can see that he loves me. The only reason he gives me a hard time is because he worries about me and wants to know that I am sorted. And to a greater extent, with the exception of everything else that has brought me to where I am today, part of the delay in my decision to change my line of work is due to knowing that my Dad - with his staunch Protestant Work Ethic - just wanted me to 'stick with what I am good at' (because that's what you should do) and earn an honest crust. I have a need for his approval.

He doesn't get the whole spirituality thing. He doesn't see the need for counselling, or positive thinking, or understand the energy of the Universe or all of that fluffy stuff. So for the past 3 years his only line of conversation (when he is not dragging me in to an argument about the European Union - something that he is passionately against) has been around whether or not I have a job.

In fact, one time he even rang me up and stated "Hello, Have you got a job yet?" as his opening line. Hey Dad, I'm very well, thanks, how are you? I replied.

When he arranged to come and pick me up, I explained that I was focusing on moving and doing the work for W, building my CV, ready to earn once I have moved, etc. "You can explain all of this in the car" he said.

So I did. An hour of telling him my plan for the next 3 weeks and my focus thereafter. I said that the aim was to get all of my ducks lined up and as soon as I have moved I could start taking action on finding work - that if W wasn't able to pay me by then I would be going to the agencies. He even took the longer route back to his house so that we could talk more, and during that time I explained briefly how low the last 3 years had taken me, and what state of mind I had been in after the New Year.

I told him what my preparations were for looking for work. Yes, I need to get work. Yes, I need to have income. Yes, I will be looking for work just as soon as I have moved. I was agreeing with him. Yes, Dad, I will be sorting out my finances. Everything is going to be okay.

It made no difference. My Dad just couldn't leave it alone. Here are some extracts of his line of approach over the next 24 hours:

"So tell me more about this Business Gym then."

**KR explains without too much use of the word 'Spirituality'**

"When are they going to start paying you? Couldn't you get a job with them?"

"So you are still going to the Kabbalah Centre. Tell me what that is about"

**KR does her best to wrap Kabbalah 1, 2 and 3 in to a nutshell, to a man who believes that humans are no different than cats, based on the super-intelligent (read: manipulation) of his own cat, without getting in to an argument, and failing**

"Yes," he eventually says "But can't you get a job with them? You spend so much time there, when are they going to start paying you?"

"So what is W's new business all about?"

**KR explains with enthusiasm, even though this was all covered in detail in the car**

"But when is she going to start paying you?"

I think if I had told him that I had taken someone's dog for a walk the other day, he would have asked whether the owner was ready to sign me up for a proper contract, or whether the dog had any pocket money.

Eventually I was on the verge of losing my temper, after not being able to make my point - or rather, I was on the verge of losing my temper because my plan for the next 3 weeks relied heavily on Certainty and Trust, but what he wanted was Evidence. And as I couldn't provide that, and he continually asked for it, I could feel my Certainty being slowly chipped away.

Even after I had finally snapped and shouted "Argh! Dad! Will you just STOP bloody going on about me getting a job! Enough is enough! Let me just bloody focus on moving! Jeez!!" he paused for a couple of seconds, slightly injured at my outburst and said: "Weeelll... I still just think you would be best off finding a proper job"

*sigh*

There is only one way to do this. Get through the next 3 weeks in one piece and prove to him that I knew what I was doing.

It's going to be a long 3 weeks.

Funnily enough, I have not been able to get this Harry Enfield sketch out of my head since he dropped me off at home. (Cannot find it on YouTube - so cannot embed...). Ah, the power of humour...

Vessel all sparkly clean

Well, almost.

I had a bit of a jam-packed day yesterday, but it did indeed end on a high note. Or is that a wet note? I don't know.

After working all day on fixing the issues with a website, I left W's house just after 4pm to go house hunting with a chap, 'R', who also wants to share a house. He had arrange a tour of 3 properties with an estate agency so that we could see the area, so I set off across London with my laptop bag slung over my shoulder, feeling as if I 'could use a little more energy'.

The estate agent, L, was rather bubbly and young, but very honest, and R was in top form - very keen and full of questions, with his notepad to hand. I let them get on with it.

As we drove to the first location, R started to ask lots of questions - what references do they need? what sort of tenancy duration works best with the landlords, how long had she been working with landlords, how many deals does she seal a week, etc.

As I listened to their conversation in my silent haze, I started to feel the fear grow. They want 3 references, including bank statements and pay slips, committing to a tenancy exceeding 12 months works best with the landlords, then as she started to ask R what he did for a living I could feel my inner voice screaming to be let out of the car. Please don't ask me what I do...

We arrived at the first property, still occupied with tenants in the process of moving. It made my house look tidy and clean by comparison. R 'oohed' and 'aahed' at each of the rooms, said that he loved the kitchen, said that the living room was great, but as soon as I walked in the door I knew that I couldn't live here. This wasn't what I had in mind.

Finally R asked for my first impressions.

"Well, the triangular shaped living room would drive me crazy" I said "and the house feels small. Nice bathroom though" I lied.

We were already running late and halfway towards the second property L discovered that she had a flat tire on the car. Oh good. She dropped us back off at the tube station and I made a 'Note To Self' to get R looking at the properties posted online, to see what bang he could really be getting for his buck.

R and I chatted on the journey back to the centre, and he questioned my need to move before I got a job. The questioning had me confused. I felt as though I had the plan in my head - let go of belongings, move house, continue to volunteer for my friend, build my CV, land a job or a contract. It's all so simple in theory, but when someone questions it, my certainty starts to evaporate. I started to wonder whether handing in my notice on my existing place right now was such a good idea. Perhaps I should wait. Maybe it's not enough time.

At 7pm I helped to register the attendees for the Zohar class - a Zohar class with a huge attendance list solely because it was being delivered by Eitan Yardeni. My head was still in a bit of a whirr, not least because I'd had a conversation with one of the girls when I arrived 12 hours early for the Mikveh to say that she didn't know whether she would be able to lead me through the process because of the big Zohar class. Hence not knowing whether I would have to wait another week.

And I really wanted to do the Mikveh, but I also didn't want to leave Eitan's class, given that he is usually based in New York. I adore Eitan's energy. There is something about it that my soul wants to absorb like a sponge. But not only did I have the Mikveh to contend with, I also knew that sitting on registration meant that I would miss the start of his class too.

I had a lot of letting go to do.

And so I did. As the place began to fill with people, I let go of my doubts. If the Light wants me to do the Mikveh, that is what will happen. And it will allow me to hear whatever message I need to hear from Eitan, no matter how much of his class I miss.

As soon as I let go, my teacher appeared.

"So you are booked for the mikveh tonight, yes?"

I explained the situation - the earlier conversation I'd had, not knowing whether anyone would be free.

"Someone will be free" he said "I'll have a word and make sure of it"

Okay, cool. Bob's your uncle, and Fanny's your aunt, and Kabbalah Rookie is going to the Mikveh tonight.

Ten minutes after the class started, myself and the other girl on registration were told that we could go in. Two seconds after that, we were told that, actually, one of us had to stay outside. Once again, I let go, and volunteered to stay outside. Eitan started talking. I couldn't hear him. I would miss the whole class. I felt the sadness rising, but then let it go.

Instantly one of the other Chevre said that she would take care of registration, and I could go in. Well, how's that for answers?

And the wonderful message from this week was all about Romemut - total appreciation that everything comes from the Light - all of our challenges, all of our blessings. And that the only time we really start to hear the messages is when our Romemut for the Light is high. As soon as we start to believe that the good things that happen are through luck, or another person, or through our own capabilities, or that the healing properties of herbs actually come from the herbs themselves (when it is the Light that provides the healing properties to the herbs - interesting concept) then we lose our Romemut for the Light and head down the path of false idol worship. At which point we stop hearing the messages.

I thought about the situation with moving - how I felt challenged by the financial requirements and work situation from L, how I felt that R didn't really have the same idea of moving as I had, how I questioned my need to move first and start a new life after. It's all irrelevant. The perfect house is already there, the third flatmate is waiting to be discovered, the money to cover the deposit will be found, and there are ways of getting rid of my belongings if I need to change my plans and move in to a shared house with a furnished room.

I will set my focus, take action, and the rest will come from the Light, challenges and all.

The Mikveh process was interesting - I felt slightly rushed and as a result came out of the pre-Mikveh shower realising that I hadn't focused for one second on what negativity I wanted to cleanse. It was strange to be naked in a pool with a Chevre standing at the side talking me through the prayers and meditations. But in the midst of questioning whether I had just screwed up the process by not being 'in the zone' and even questioning the process itself, I remembered Romemut and I also remembered the power of the New Year's Eve burning - what I was tapping in to. And as I ducked under the water, I allowed the Light to do its work.

So I may not have heard everything that Eitan had to say, but I definitely heard what I needed to hear.

And despite being awake and having such a busy day, I travelled home on the train with a buzz of serenity.

Everything is going to be just fine, after all.