Rising from the Ashes...

Okay, so I'm back. Back to reality, albeit that reality is a clever illusion in itself.

The last few weeks have been painful. On a couple of occasions I hit a place so low that I was no longer in control, a depression so deep that I could no longer think, that I no longer recognised myself. I was confused - not knowing how to get to where I wanted to be, or become who I am here to be. Not even knowing whether I understood why I was here.

Confusion is an excellent place from which to transform. When you think that you know the answers - guess what? Most of the time, you're wrong. If you think that you are in control of your life and hold on to the outcome with both hands, you are often closed to other possibilities.

There are lessons to be learned from every situation - no matter how painful. Every experience is valuable. I once heard a saying "It doesn't matter how many plans you make for your life, God has a bigger plan". It helps to explain all of the times where we experience something that we didn't expect (which we can only see the reason for when joining the dots backwards) and it helps me to trust that every diversion that comes in to my life is giving me something that I need - something that I can use in the future.

Sometimes we are given challenges or pain so that we can be better prepared for future events.

And sometimes we are taken to new depths of pain because we simply aren't listening to the messages.

I was hearing the messages, but not taking them seriously. So the Light has taken me to a level of pain that I could not ignore - from which I could not not change. I was dragging my heels and it gave me a damn good kicking.

I have learned so much about myself over the past 3 weeks that the pain has been worthwhile - a great wake-up call - a baptism of fire.

I've learned that 10mg of Citalopram is enough to send me crazy for 30 hours.

I've learned that trying to apply make-up 5 hours after taking 10mg of Citalopram is only recommended when applying for a job in the circus.

I've learned to keep a carton of UHT milk in the cupboard at all times for emergencies.

Oh, and to keep the chocolate supplies high.

Okay, so I jest. But seriously, what have I learned?

I've identified that my pain is guilt, and that I have carried that guilt with me through to the present in so many ways. I feel guilty about my current situation - about not working for nearly 3 years, accepting benefits, watching my savings disappear, getting myself in to 'this mess', feeling so ashamed over what I am currently not doing that I don't want to allow anyone else to see it. This has prevented me from writing my CV this week - because how, exactly, do I justify how I am currently spending my time? I have distanced myself from other people, and was too afraid of failure to step up to the plate, or accept help. I've been looking for a rescuer all my life - someone else who will look after me and protect my feelings - someone who would step in and solve all of my problems for me, to take me out of this mess without me having to face any challenges.

And many more other things besides. But the amazing thing is, that as soon as I was put into a situation where these messages could no longer be ignored and I accepted them and allowed them to be, wondrous things have started to happen.

A good friend of mine has asked me for my help. She has just created a new business and needs someone to start promoting it. Unpaid at first, until the business starts making money. There is also so much that needs to be done with the Business Gym website. All of these things can be done from the comfort of my own living room, but she insists that I need to get out of my house and be around other people. I need structure, to start with, and less of my own company.

At first glance you might wonder if this is a wise move - to be spending so much time in unpaid work when I should be looking for a job - and I shied away from her offer last week. Now I have realised what a perfect opportunity this is. This is the interim. Not only is it going to get me back in the flow of having commitments and structure, it will also give me something to put on my CV. What am I working on at the moment? Well, I'm managing this website... administering this business...

My friend also has the gift of being able to see the potential in people, and previous experience of working with me, which she said was a pleasure. It's nice to be reminded of this from time to time.

I sense that I have learned enough to move on - and that everything is starting to fall in to place. The next dot is clearly illuminated and I can almost see the dots beyond it starting to spark in anticipation.

I've no idea what the Picture is yet, but I know that it is going to be Big.

Finding the next dot

I had a conversation with a very good friend about a week ago, just before I had my meltdown. He gave me a metaphor for life that I have heard in various forms before and like all good things had forgotten.

Life is like one big Dot-to-Dot puzzle. Except that there are no numbers on the dots.

We are not meant to second guess what the finished puzzle should look like. We have an idea, maybe, of what it might look like, but the only way to complete the puzzle is to wait for the next dot to light up. You cannot join the dots forwards to get understanding, only backwards.

For every perceived failure in life, know that this is where you are meant to be. Sometimes the nasty surprises in life prepare us emotionally and mentally for bigger challenges which, without previous experience, would have wiped us off our feet.

My over-active Gemini brain not only tries to work out every combination of what the picture is, but also logically how to get there - logic which always ends in 'I don't see how this is possible' and so I give up before I even start. Sod waiting for the next dot, I want to know now that everything is going to be okay. I think I know better than the Creator - an illusion of control that none of us have, and a total lack of trust that everything in the Universe is unfolding as it should. As my teacher says, I think too much. Oh yes, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week.

Whilst I have been overwhelmed with confusion for the past couple of weeks (actually, I have been sinking for a while without realising it, heading to this place) I have learned to trust that my teacher will point me in the direction of the next dot. My meeting with him yesterday brought a bit of a surprise on what I thought the next dot would be. Because it wasn't where I thought it was.

I decided this week not to talk about myself, my decisions, my experiences - for a change - and allow him to reveal the structure of the personal transformation plan instead. This is the way forwards, after all. And I did listen. And he revealed. And it was good.

It basically involves looking at 5 different areas: Study, Ego Transformation, Spiritual Connections, Personal Goals and Sharing. Over the next couple of weeks I am to capture what I am already doing, and what I want to start expanding on. Then we are to discuss and formulate a plan that will help to start introducing the Light back in to my life.

My teacher then asked if I had any questions. I said no - it was all clear. Good, something to focus on. I like structure.

And then he said "So, what are you doing about work at the moment?"

Whaaaaaat?? my Ego screamed. Where did that one come from? Don't you know that I am in the middle of a really hard depression here?? Can you not see that I am not in any position to even speak to people, let alone work? Don't you get it?

I told him a brief recount of what I was trying to do - building my own material for my business, but now I was confused because what I wanted to do (helping other people through coaching and training) wasn't going to work whilst I was still trying to deal with my own problems. I told him that at the moment it was an effort just to function.

"In Kabbalah", he replied, "You do not fix the pain by dealing directly with the pain. You work around it. I am not going to say that I can truly appreciate the pain that you must be feeling because I have never been there, but in order to remove it, we need to work around it and allow the Light to resolve it. And your spiritual work at the moment is to get a job. That is what the Light is telling you to do"

What, you mean like, live in the Real World?

I started to listen, whilst the Ego was jumping around in my head finding every excuse in the book not to take him seriously.

Teacher: A student of mine was out of work for a year and she took her CV to an agency

Ego: Oh, I have already been down the agency route and failed miserably

Teacher: Within two weeks she was offered a job...

Ego: Yes, but probably she was working in an entirely different field

Teacher: .... with a company similar to [MD's]...

Ego: Oh yeah, working on the phones or something...

Teacher: ....travelling to run training courses up and down the country...

Ego: But that's great for someone who already has the experience.. I don't have any concrete experience on my CV..

Teacher: ...and she had no previous experience of this at all.

Ego: *oh*

Teacher: But she went to speak to them and there was something about her that they liked and so they took her on. And two weeks after that she was offered another great job that she then turned down. You have already done some spiritual work. Write a letter to the Creator asking for what you want, down to the number of people in the office and the colour of the furniture. Start scanning the Zohar and get your CV out there. See what starts coming back. And maybe taking any job is the right path for you - because it might be the step that will take you to something better.

Ego: ....Yeah.....But how am I going to know if this is the right thing or not, or whether I am just taking the first thing that comes along because it's the easy way out?

Teacher: ..and if you want to contact me at any time with the offers you receive then I can take a look at them.

Ego: ...errrrmmm.... shall I just shut up now?

KR: Yes. I think you should.

My teacher even arranged our next meeting for the evening ".. because I think you will have a job by then, or maybe one or two people will want to meet with you on that day and you can come here after..."

Part of my Astrology reading predicted that as soon as I started to take action, big things would start to come in to my life. I started to feel enthused once again by this prediction. The pain that I have carried around with me so long cannot stay close to the surface forever - but at least this time when I pull myself together I know that it exists, and I know that I am doing the work to remove it permanently from my life.

And now, as I consider all of my strengths and weaknesses, re-writing my CV, visualising what I want, the next dot is starting to light up....