Less Talk, More Action

The voice is back. Kind of. Enough to speak to my sister this morning, and enough to point out to my landlady that I thought that the new filter on her fish tank might be on too high a level, considering that every five seconds one of the four fishes was being blown sideways from one end of the tank to the other. Very visually amusing, but not much fun for the fish.

So my voice is different, and I believe that my words will be different too. It is only over the past couple of days, not being able to express every banal thought that entered my head, or contribute MY own experience to every conversation, that I have realised how many words I have wasted. I thought for a moment that I had exceeded my quota for this lifetime. Perish the thought.

Each of the meetings with my teacher I have wanted to focus on talking about me, me, me. MY process, MY experiences, MY thoughts. Okay, sure, let me hear about the energy of the week/month/holiday, just as long as we can quickly cover the latest of the dramas currently taking place in my life. I'll trade you. Through the Ego Workshop, I identified that I held a lot of Judgement - I compare myself to other people, judging them by my standards and myself by their achievements. And I look for recognition or approval from other people because I'm not certain that I am actually enough.

I am looking for my fulfilment in external things rather than building it from within. That explains a little why I like to try so many different, crazy things to make myself appear more interesting (white water rafting, land-yachting, bungee jumping, elephant riding, scuba diving, mountain trekking, skiing, flying a plane, flying a glider, water-skiing, trampolining) and why there is nothing more exhilarating than riding the biggest, fastest, wildest rollercoaster. (Aren't I fun? Aren't I daring? Do you like me now? Do you want to hear about the time I handled a tarantula or played with a meerkat?)

Unexpectedly, the need for external fulfilment now appears to have wained slightly, or perhaps something is just stronger within. Pesach seems to have spun an internal miracle.

By being silent for nearly three days, I painfully realised how many times I have paid lip service to what I was going to do, and avoided actually doing anything. I recognised that whilst I felt devoid of the recognition I felt I deserved from my teacher for 'working so hard on my process', that actually, what I have achieved isn't quite enough yet. And I don't mean that in a judgemental way, just in understanding that instead of wanting brownie points for generating my own inner miracles, I have to keep plugging away, doing more, listening more, applying myself more, learning more. And talking less.

Yesterday I received the outcome on the interview from last Thursday - I didn't get the job. They didn't think that my technical skills were good enough, they wanted somebody who could immediately get up to speed. Unable to even voice my frustration, I choked back some bitter tears. I know that I could have got up to speed really quickly. That job was meant for me - simply by the way it came to me. I thought I had done so well.

Later in the day, I re-read the email. And actually, it was quite polite. She said I would be an asset to their team, and that they would keep my CV on file. She said she would keep me in mind for any database roles. Once I took my pride out of the loop, I could see how they would want somebody with technical skills who could add to the role, rather than somebody who would spend the first few weeks with smoke coming out of her ears, trying to translate the syntax for every query.

Of course - because at the interview, for some bizarre reason (trying to show the best interest in the role I was interviewing for) I stated that training on a full time basis quickly became boring and I preferred the support roles. Like, duh. A bit of a silly thing to say, given that I know they have a training based role (which I would much rather do) coming up in the near future.

So, what were my choices? I could either believe that everything she said in the email was a lie and that she simply didn't like me, and walk the other way. Or I could email her and explain what I was really looking for, and possibly re-open a door. And I could properly revise my CV and seriously start looking for work elsewhere.

And when I am making the real effort and taking real action, the rewards are going to be much bigger than a few words of recognition from my teacher.

The Power of Words

Okay, so this is no longer funny. I still cannot speak. What was a croak yesterday afternoon was reduced to a complete whisper last night.

This is not fun for a Gemini - ruled by the planet Mercury: the Messenger, the Communicator. Taking the power of speech from a Gemini is like taking the wings from a bird. Yesterday afternoon I was reading 'Training for Dummies', which is ironic. Whoever heard of a mute Trainer?

So, the Universe wants to teach me a lesson, and the sooner I learn it, the sooner my words will return. And I don't think they will be the same words as before.

The Tree of Life reality works on the premise of positive actions reaping positive outcomes - you reap what you sow. Plant an apple seed, and you don't expect an orange tree to grow. Plant a bad seed, don't water it and what, you want nice fruit? Anything physical in the universe starts with something metaphysical. Everything created in this world was conceived by thought.

Thought. Word. Deed. Take away the Words and what am I left with? My thoughts.

I am a quick learner. I am quick to observe. I am also quick to open my mouth and dominate a conversation, chip in my two-pen'orth, verbalise everything that runs through my mind, make myself feel better by having something to say. My Ego considers that everything that churns out of my mouth is something of value and worth hearing, but after being forced to listen to others without the ability to respond, I am changing my mind.

I am meeting them all - from the people who compensate for their own insecurities with dramatic and snippy statements to those who have to provide a running commentary of every action. But like I said, without the physical ability to react or respond, I am forced to listen to my thoughts - my own Ego, chattering away.

"Oh that's terrible - you have to leave at one thirty? I can tell you, darling, you will miss lunch. They are running so late. I have been here since half nine and they've only just really started. What will you do?" (like I am going to die if I miss the lunch, or something? Like I've made a tragic error by assuming that they would start on time? Have you not thought that considering I have been coming here for twice as long as you have that I haven't worked out that most connections here start late? Chill, lady, my spiritual completion isn't going to hinge around a single lunch). Hey, so probably you can't speak because you talk too much anyway. (Gee, thanks. I'll take that on board.)

"I think the strudel is cooked now. I think it needed longer in the oven (well, that figures) Oh but I don't know how I didn't see that the ice-cream was mint. I didn't notice in the shop and I didn't notice when I put in the freezer. I don't like the mint. (You've said this already, twice).... So, we will take this from here.... and put on here..... I think you will like this. Yes, I think you will. Good to have something warm. Maybe you have the pasta tomorrow.....Still, we will have the dessert. ............... It's not so bad because they have the white ice-cream on the top............(yes, it's nice) and the chocolate is good. You think the chocolate is good? (is a nod good enough for you?) but still all the same I like the vanilla.... It has raisins inside (You don't say. It's an apple strudel, it should have raisins inside, and yes, I noticed there were raisins. Actually, they are sultanas, not raisins. Oh and apple too. Are you going to point out the apple too? Or maybe the pastry?) I think it's warm enough. Do you think it's cooked? (of course it's cooked, can you not tell for yourself?) I think so............ You should have some more - please finish it. I am full. I am not hungry today. (I have just eaten the equivalent of 2000 calories in pastry, apples and ice-cream, and you think I should be eating more? I bet this serves 6 people minimum. There are two of us. If I eat any more, I will be sick). Painfully I croak "Seriously, I am full - thank you. It's really delicious" ............................ Really I think you should finish it. (*sigh* oh please don't force me to speak again). I am not hungry today. I had big lunch. It was so cold..... and they say that the weather is going to get a little bit colder...... So much rain........... *sigh* ...so much rain. Too much for the birds, I think".

Too much for me, I think.

Listening to other people makes me realise how dull some of my own verbal ramblings can be, and how much of what I say isn't necessary at all.

The only amusing part in all of this is watching other people's reactions when the only response that you can continually give is a smile. Not being able to converse and fill in the gaps and agree or disagree has a remarkable effect. Because whilst I am left with my thoughts, they are left with the sound of their own voices.

A learning experience for us all.