Less Talk, More Action

The voice is back. Kind of. Enough to speak to my sister this morning, and enough to point out to my landlady that I thought that the new filter on her fish tank might be on too high a level, considering that every five seconds one of the four fishes was being blown sideways from one end of the tank to the other. Very visually amusing, but not much fun for the fish.

So my voice is different, and I believe that my words will be different too. It is only over the past couple of days, not being able to express every banal thought that entered my head, or contribute MY own experience to every conversation, that I have realised how many words I have wasted. I thought for a moment that I had exceeded my quota for this lifetime. Perish the thought.

Each of the meetings with my teacher I have wanted to focus on talking about me, me, me. MY process, MY experiences, MY thoughts. Okay, sure, let me hear about the energy of the week/month/holiday, just as long as we can quickly cover the latest of the dramas currently taking place in my life. I'll trade you. Through the Ego Workshop, I identified that I held a lot of Judgement - I compare myself to other people, judging them by my standards and myself by their achievements. And I look for recognition or approval from other people because I'm not certain that I am actually enough.

I am looking for my fulfilment in external things rather than building it from within. That explains a little why I like to try so many different, crazy things to make myself appear more interesting (white water rafting, land-yachting, bungee jumping, elephant riding, scuba diving, mountain trekking, skiing, flying a plane, flying a glider, water-skiing, trampolining) and why there is nothing more exhilarating than riding the biggest, fastest, wildest rollercoaster. (Aren't I fun? Aren't I daring? Do you like me now? Do you want to hear about the time I handled a tarantula or played with a meerkat?)

Unexpectedly, the need for external fulfilment now appears to have wained slightly, or perhaps something is just stronger within. Pesach seems to have spun an internal miracle.

By being silent for nearly three days, I painfully realised how many times I have paid lip service to what I was going to do, and avoided actually doing anything. I recognised that whilst I felt devoid of the recognition I felt I deserved from my teacher for 'working so hard on my process', that actually, what I have achieved isn't quite enough yet. And I don't mean that in a judgemental way, just in understanding that instead of wanting brownie points for generating my own inner miracles, I have to keep plugging away, doing more, listening more, applying myself more, learning more. And talking less.

Yesterday I received the outcome on the interview from last Thursday - I didn't get the job. They didn't think that my technical skills were good enough, they wanted somebody who could immediately get up to speed. Unable to even voice my frustration, I choked back some bitter tears. I know that I could have got up to speed really quickly. That job was meant for me - simply by the way it came to me. I thought I had done so well.

Later in the day, I re-read the email. And actually, it was quite polite. She said I would be an asset to their team, and that they would keep my CV on file. She said she would keep me in mind for any database roles. Once I took my pride out of the loop, I could see how they would want somebody with technical skills who could add to the role, rather than somebody who would spend the first few weeks with smoke coming out of her ears, trying to translate the syntax for every query.

Of course - because at the interview, for some bizarre reason (trying to show the best interest in the role I was interviewing for) I stated that training on a full time basis quickly became boring and I preferred the support roles. Like, duh. A bit of a silly thing to say, given that I know they have a training based role (which I would much rather do) coming up in the near future.

So, what were my choices? I could either believe that everything she said in the email was a lie and that she simply didn't like me, and walk the other way. Or I could email her and explain what I was really looking for, and possibly re-open a door. And I could properly revise my CV and seriously start looking for work elsewhere.

And when I am making the real effort and taking real action, the rewards are going to be much bigger than a few words of recognition from my teacher.

The Silence is Deafening - but only for me...

So - my second Pesach last night. A LOT of fun. Lots of singing, lots of downing glasses of wine, lots of clapping, lots of getting confused with the Seder plate.

The first challenge was to move outside my comfort zone - my friends were in San Diego and I hadn't arranged to meet anyone there. It's a funny thing, because last year I went to most events as a 'stranger' and I felt quite used to turning up on my own. And now as I have formed my own friendships, I feel a little bit lost when they are not there.

The loneliness lasted all of five minutes - as soon as I sat down I got chatting to a couple of people, and the rest, as they say, was history.

And after 40 minutes, so was my voice. I'm not sure at which point my voice disappeared, but by the time I reached the dinner table it was no longer there. The best I can managed is a hoarse croak (or should that be a husky murmur?)

This meant that much of the time I spent listening rather than talking. Perhaps that was my challenge. Perhaps the 'Light' wanted me to hear certain things that I wouldn't have been able to capture with my mouth open (which I did). Or perhaps God is saying 'Oh for goodness sakes woman, just give everyone else's ears a rest for a change'. Either way, I had little choice. And apart from driving each person nuts at least twice by explaining I had lost my voice, which due to my broken dulcet tones was entirely unnecessary (hey, I did drink four glasses of wine, down in one, three of them on an empty stomach) I think most people appreciated that unless we were singing (or drinking wine), my jaw was clamped firmly shut.

And my voice is still absent this morning - a blessed relief for all concerned.

There is just one teensy problem. The woman who interviewed me last week said that she would get back to me on Friday. She didn't. So I lasted out the weekend and decided that she would get in touch yesterday. She didn't.

I have to admit, all manner of thoughts have been going through my head, from 'she's busy' to 'do I smell, or something?' to 'well, how incredibly rude. The least that she could do is let me know either way' to 'maybe they are interviewing other people and lining me up for another role' to 'maybe they are interviewing other people and have decided not to touch me with a barge pole'

Whatever their decision, you have to admit, it doesn't look promising. I mean, they're not exactly snapping my hand off, are they? So here I am with my pride a tad dented - feeling rather buoyant after the interview, that I could not fail in getting the job, that they would ring me first thing in the morning and say 'Yes, you would add enormous value to our company. when can you start?' - wondering now which bit of me they didn't like, if any.

So I should call. It's the grown up thing to do. Touch base with them, remind them of my interest in working for their company. Except that I have no voice. So I can't.

Silence all round.

Naff and cowardly as it seems, I'm going to have to send an email instead. And then crack on with re-writing my CV. In silence.

Preparing for Pesach

Tonight's the night. From sunset tonight we get the opportunity to change: to remove our negative traits forever. Well, it clearly didn't work last year, not for me anyway. But this year I have attempted a little more preparation.

For the past couple of weeks I have been consumed with the task of completing an 'Ego Workshop', identifying my Ego: when and how do I react?

I could go on forever with all of my negative traits, but I was given a list of 12 to put in to order: which do I identify with the most, and which do I identify with the least. Only 12? Is that all? Well, that's a tough call, but not wanting to turn in something produced with half effort (PRIDE), I did my best and completed the sheets in my neatest handwriting.

Judgement came out on tops. I judge all of the time. I compare. I wondered whether anyone else was being as open as me with their answers. Because it's not easy to go this deep. And if you think it is, well, I'm not even going to say what I think of you. Oops, there I go again...

So, how to choose from the rest? Looking for Comfort: check. Distances from people: check. Depression: *sigh* I guess I can see those in myself. Others I couldn't really see as being me, but on reading the descriptions on how these traits show up in your thoughts, it was hard to choose between them (and no, indecisiveness was not on the list, and given that I filled out the sheets at the last minute, I was disappointed to see that procrastination wasn't there either. I mean, what kind of silly test is this? (Oh wait, Judgement again?)

The trait that I least identified with was "Abrasive" (which sat just above Anger and Rage). The description for 'Abrasive' was "Cynical, Rude and Agressive, Criticism and Tactless, Ignores"

I met with my teacher, after he had changed the time of our meeting twice at the last minute. He had forgotten all about the Ego Workshop. I mean, for heaven's sakes, what kind of treatment is this? Do I have to do all of the running here? (Oo, hello Entitlement)
I dug the carefully folded sheets out of my oversized handbag and winced as he glanced at the sheets and said "I cannot read your handwriting - read through it and explain what you have said"
Cannot read my handwriting? Cannot read my handwriting? MY lovely neat handwriting? (Hey, Pride! Good to see you again, thanks for popping by! And who's that you brought with you.. Oh Hi Anger! My, my, you move quickly!)

"So" he said after looking at my numbered list "Abrasive not something you see in yourself"
"No" I replied, not at all abrasively.
"The ones that you see the least are the ones that are harder to remove. They are there at the bottom of the layers of the Ego. When you react in your usual way, you should be looking for traces of the concealed Ego - the root of the Ego - so that it can be exposed".

I mean, for goodness sakes, what kind of exercise is this? You ask for the obvious and then spin it all around on me. I give you my best answers and then you tell me that I should be trying to remove something that I don't even see? Ha. Well I doubt that will work. I'm not sure you've even thought it through. I thought all of this was based on wisdom 4,000 years old? And I'm not even being given credit for all of the hard work that I am doing. I think you are just making all of this stuff up.

Hmm... perhaps I need to re-order my list....

Anyhow, armed with my Big List of Things To Remove, I am heading in for the Seder dinner tonight, full of prayers, connections and meaning. And what is the one thing consuming my thoughts? Whether I will eat a larger spoonful of Maror (Horseradish - excruciatingly painful to chew, but as you keep chewing it turns sweet) than last year, and whether I will be able to eat a bigger spoonful than some of the other students.

I can only pray that tonight will be the last night that I carry quite so much Judgement and Pride.