NEXT!

The last week has been a tad tricky. But surprisingly now I am starting to see the wood from the trees.

Let's be honest here, how many people do you know who set up a business with really big ideas and then act on none of them? My business plan was simple - first sort out the contract for creating the trainers manuals, which will bring in a bit of income and keep me busy for a few weeks, then train up to be a trainer with the company (easy-peasy, because I would have immersed myself in the material whilst developing the trainers' manuals), then run training courses whilst building my own materials.

And then all of this 'clearing' stuff got in the way and whilst dragging up old memories and feeling physically sick at the thought of throwing so many things away, I lost any focus that I had on work (which I have to admit, wasn't that much to start off with).

I mean, how hard can it be to sling a few bits on eBay and arrange a car boot sale? At my Astrology reading, I was told that as soon as I got rid of all of the baggage and started taking action, everything was going to start opening up and big things were going to come to me - work, love - everything I could possibly dream of was all there for the taking. And yet still I sat on my arse incapable of taking any action. And the less action I took, the lower I felt.

On Wednesday night, after spending the whole day in an ever deepening mire, I spoke to a friend at the Kabbalah centre. Rather than providing any sympathy, she suggested that instead of being disappointed with myself, that I should approach my feelings with the attitude of "Okay, NEXT!" and move on. She also told me to increase my use of the tools - prayers, meditations, scanning the Aramaic text of the Zohar - doing whatever I could to break the cycle.

I stayed at my friends house that night and decided to grab a volume of the Zohar when I arrived and scan for 10 minutes. I selected a volume and randomly opened the book - and stopped in my tracks. There, on the page was my (real) name - Deborah (you didn't really think that my parents would christen me Kabbalah, did you?)

Well, maybe a coincidence. Blatantly this portion would be littered with the name. I searched the previous pages, and the following pages, and this was the only reference to my name. In fact, I have not found my name listed in the Zohar before. So I skipped back a few paragraphs and started to read the translation. On the previous page, I found a reference to the receiving of the Torah. The Torah was received by Moses on Mount Sinai on the sixth day of Gemini - Shavuot - which was the day I was born. Curious.

Not being able to make head nor tail of the meaning of the translation, I decided to discover who Deborah was. It turns out that Deborah was probably one of the most powerful women in Israel. According to the information I found online, she was the only female high court judge, a prophetess, a poet and a general. She persuaded General Barak to raise an army of 10,000 men to defeat the Canaanites, and attended the battle. She was not a proponent of war, however, preferring to provide counsel to those who required her wisdom, coming from a place of love and peace. The document stated that everyone listened to her. Oh God, that sounds so much like me...

Reading this information gave me the courage to finally make a phone call to sort out the trainers' manual contracts, and I had been advised to speak to a different business partner - B. As it turns out, B had no idea of any agreements in place, had never seen the value in the creation of these manuals, did not want to invest, did not think that the manuals were needed or were any level of priority and thought that the length of time to create them was a complete fallacy. He made it sound as though I was really trying to stitch them up. Great.

Straining to keep a calm disposition, I asked about training to become a trainer, at which point he suggested that I call back in two weeks when things had settled down a bit at their end.

So much for being listened to.

After five minutes wailing messily on a friend's shoulder, my analytical brain started to do the math. The reason why I had held back on confirming this contract was partly because I didn't want to face the financial reality of them turning me down, and partly because I didn't want to create the bloody manuals in the first place. The more I thought of the actual process of creating them, the more I saw the task as a trauma rather than a joy. It was more something to get out of the way so that I could start to do what I really wanted to do - training.

Now that I know that the contract is not going ahead - despite my financial situation - I feel slightly relieved. In fact, so relieved that even if the first partner begged me to create the manuals, I think I would walk away. I may not have handled the situation perfectly, but who needs that kind of hassle?

Then I thought back to the Astrology prediction and my belief that everything happens for a reason. I have little idea of where I go from here - who to approach, where the next penny is coming from - but as long as I start to push and make progress, things will start to show up. I still trust that - even though I don't get it just yet - the Universe is unfolding as it should.

In which case: "NEXT!!"

Hire a Skip! Quick!

The recording of my astrology reading is ready to be collected. I am looking forward to listening to it for the second time, but not looking forward to hearing my dulcet tones in the background. What is it about the taped voice that we dislike so much?!

The character reading was very interesting and I can identify with it all. After several years of introspection and working on self-awareness, it was easy to hear all of my flaws and tendencies without becoming defensive, depressed or offended.

The secret to finding fulfilment often lies in transforming your nature and for that you need to understand who you are and very often take action that you do not want to take.

So let's look at the list:

1. I think constantly, when I am awake, when I am asleep, 25 hours of the day [check]
2. I am very critical and set high standards - not just for other people but specifically for myself. [check]
3. I have big ideas and love to be involved in too many things at once. I end up with too much on my plate, and when I don't get results from all of these unrealistic targets, I give up with the thought that either a) it wasn't for me or b) I'm not good enough to achieve it or c) it wasn't meant to happen. [check]
4. I keep my feelings hidden and only reveal to other people what I want them to see [check]
5. I have an attachment to material things as a form of security. It is fine for me to have these things, but I need to change my consciousness [check]
6. I love to be centre stage but at the same time am very insecure [check]

When I explained that I was in the process of clearing out my clutter, but had come to a complete standstill, the advice was very clear:

"With some people I would say that it is good to keep hold of their possessions. With you, it is not. You need to cut the ties with your past and let it go. That is the secret for you moving on in this life. Throw out all of your old letters. Choose 10 or 15 of your possessions as keepsakes and get rid of the rest. It doesn't matter whether you sell the rest, throw them away or donate them, but you need to get rid of them. It needn't take long to do. Don't even read the letters, just get a black bag and put them in"

Ouch.

What I have come to learn from Kabbalah is that whenever someone gives advice that you feel a strong resistance to and do not want to hear, then you know that what they are saying is true.

My living room floor is scattered with photos, diaries, letters, keepsakes. I started out with the good intention of not hanging on to things I no longer needed, but made the mistake of looking at each thing a little too closely.

Three days ago I made a decision to keep my old diaries. Surely I cannot throw away hours of writing? This is my history, my life, my feelings, my expression. And they don't take up much space.

But the reading has helped me to look at them in a new light.

How did I feel when I read through the diaries? Really sad and depressed.

Could I be bothered to read through all of the diaries? No - the writing might be good, but the content is either boring or painful.

Will reading these diaries in the future ever be a joyful experience? No

So why do that to myself? Good point, well made.

In addition to clearing out my possessions, I also have other tools to use - meditations on clearing up issues with people from past lives (tough to do with a head that won't stop thinking), regular Mikveh (bobbing up and down in a swimming pool whilst following a meditation sheet - leads to physical cleansing and 'rebirth') and once all of the trash is gone, cleansing the house with white sage.

Once I have achieved all of this, it will be like cutting the string on a helium balloon - my life is simply going to take off. And this year, for me, is all about action, action, action. Best buy some bin bags, then.

All I can say is, hang on to your hats and watch this space.

A Bad Habit

Picture the scene. It's the summer holidays, I'm seventeen, and two of my girlfriends have arranged to meet three boys for a night out at the cinema. I know that the only way I will be allowed to go is if there is no mention of the boys. So I lie.

Rather excitedly, I write a letter to my sister, who left home a few months before and tell her all about my planned night out. I remember writing something to the effect of "Mum thinks I am just meeting up with the girls, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her."

Rather stupidly, in the practice of writing my 'A' level essays in draft before writing up neatly, I do the same thing with the letter to my sister, screw up the draft copy and put it in the bin.

My Mum just 'happened to find' the letter and hit the roof, and that was the end of my trip to the cinema. And the boy lost interest too.

At the end of the argument I remember screaming "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO BE, A NUN?!"

To which my Mum screamed back an emphatic "YES!!!!!"

Today was my first ever Kabbalistic Astrology reading. I had been tempted to ask what the connection was with my mother in a past life, but at the last minute decided against it. The Universe had other ideas.

The woman giving my reading has not been based in London for long and as such we have not had any conversations. In other words, she doesn't know me from Adam and hence the only source of information that she has for me is my date, time and place of birth. We covered my character traits first, which were totally spot on, and my life to date - also very accurate.

She then went on to talk about my past lives and explained in two recent lives, my Mum was actually my sister. Not only that, but one of these times we were twins - but polar opposites. My Mum/Sister/Twin fell in to a life of fast men, money, sex and alcohol. And me?

I was a Nun. No wonder she was so emphatic.

Reticular Activation System, or Past Life?

Life is full of messages - we draw things towards us every day. We can either believe that the things we take note of are 'signs' from God, or in the scientific workings of the brain. I believe in both, but I also believe that the two work together.

There is a part of the brain called the Reticular Activation System (RAS). As far as my limited knowledge understands, the RAS pays attention to what you focus your intention on (and this is where affirmations and visualisations come in).

The RAS is the reason why, when you buy a new car, all of a sudden you see dozens of them out on the road of the same make and colour, where before you thought they were quite rare.

Or if you regularly visualise seeing coins on the pavement, you start to notice them in the street.

Or, if you close your eyes and focus on the colour red, for example, when you open your eyes and look around the room every red object will appear to leap out at you.

It's quite clever.

But for me, there is still something that manifests these things for you to notice. All the same, it is so easy to read too much in to one thing and misunderstand the messages, or see a connection where there is not.

On the last day of Rosh Hashannah in New York, I had the best part of a day to kill before catching my flight. I was chatting to a couple I had never met before and they suggested the Titanic exhibition at the Discovery Museum, which was just up the road. So that is what I did.

I spent the best part of 3 hours looking at items dug up from the sea bed, reading histories of passengers and their tales of survival or loss, and wandering through reconstructions of the different classes of cabins, dining rooms and smoking rooms. It was a fascinating exhibit.

My Dad once mentioned that my great grandmother planned to emigrate to America, but when the Titanic sank, she changed her mind. And that, as far as I was concerned, was my only connection with the story.

A couple of weeks after this, an entire Kabbalah class was spent in a workshop about Greatness, which involved justifying to the class why you deserved to be in the last seat of the last lifeboat... of the sinking Titanic.

Then at the beginning of this week I wandered with a friend to buy a postcard from a tiny souvenir shop in Lancaster Gate and whilst she was queuing inside, I had a look at a variety of fridge magnets on a board outside. Most of them were retro but modern and the first one to catch my eye said "I can only please one person a day. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either" which made me giggle. But then I noticed that at least a tenth of these magnets were pictures of the Titanic. There it was again. But there were no other references to the Titanic in any other part of the shop - no postcards, posters, models or mugs - just these magnets on the one board I had stopped at.

Then when I got home, I started to have one last read through some old love letters before consigning to the recycle bin and in the last one I read, my ex spent an entire paragraph saying how much he had enjoyed watching Titanic with me for the second time...

And finally last night I randomly changed channels on the TV and landed on BBC Four... which was showing a documentary on Ocean Liners. And okay, I had missed any mention of the Titanic, but they were covering another vessel built by the White Star line.

So now I am curious. Do I have a past life connection with the Titanic? Was I on that ship? Was I a man throwing women and children behind me as I scrabbled for the last seat in the life boat? Or did I freeze in the waters when the ship went down?

Yes, I think there could be a connection... after all, I have a complete dislike for swimming or sailing across large expanses of water. It might explain why I totally freaked out when sailing a Topper across Poole Harbour aged 13. And I seriously do not like the cold. Oh it all makes so much sense...it's all starting to come together now....

But rather than create my own past lives from my own (rather over-active, it has to be said) imagination, next week I will have the opportunity to find out. I am booked in for a Kabbalistic Astrology reading. The woman giving the reading does not pull any punches - many students leave the room in a how could she possibly know that about me? daze. If you are lazy in this life, or a murderer in the last, she will deliver that information direct and without flinching.

And so I am going to ask. I can picture the conversation now:

Me: "Is there any connection between me and the Titanic?"

Reader: "I don't see it"

Me: "So what about large ocean liners?"

Reader: "No big boats"

Me: "What about little boats? Or large expanses of ocean?"

Reader: "I'm not getting that either"

Me: "Okay, so how about swimming or drowning?"

Reader: "No"

Me: "Paddling Pools?"

Reader: "No"

Me: "Cold baths?"

Reader: "Hasn't everybody?"

Me: "I guess so"

Reader: "So let's move on then. In your most recent past life you were murdered for asking too many stupid questions..."