Pride and The Penny

So here I am, 7 weeks after moving to Tottenham, innit, and I haven't even given you the low down on my living situation. And you know as soon as you read that sentence, that it is not likely that I found somewhere normal to live. Well, where would be the fun in that? I suspect you know me better.

I don't wish to bitch, so I will state the facts:

1. I am renting the bedroom of a one (yes, one) bedroom flat, from an Eastern European woman who is 13 years older than me.
2. We are very different.
3. She sleeps on the sofa bed in the living room.
4. Because this is a one bedroom flat with a combined living room and kitchen, this makes things a tad difficult when I fancy a nice cup of tea and find the door to the living room is shut. Or want to cook at any time.
5. She doesn't like me in her space in the morning.
6. She doesn't like me in her space in the evenings.
7. She doesn't really like it when I lock myself away in my room either.
8. There aren't really many other places that I can go.

I think that's enough to go by, logistically. With no money coming in and no cheaper options, I am lucky to have a roof over my head. Plus, I have to respect that I am the one with the bedroom - I'm not sure I would fancy sleeping on the sofa bed.

This morning - before I had finished drinking my coffee (and therefore was not quite yet awake) - I received a little bit of, shall we say, 'helpful advice' (a.k.a. her opinion) as to where I was going wrong.

1. I needed to restrict on my spending because I didn't have much money (okay, so this is the reason why for the past 3 weeks I have only spent money on train fare and food?)
2. That I needed to do my best on finding a job (uh-huh); and
3. That I was too closed - I needed to open up my thoughts a little bit more (actually, if she knew some of my thoughts, she would probably be grateful that I kept them to myself)

Wincing slightly from biting my tongue, I logged on to Facebook to check the energy of the day. Today was the day of Nobility in Humility - appreciation that the Light gives us messages all the time, and so to open ourselves up to listen to what other people were saying.

Oh, crap. I take it all back.

I had a meeting with my teacher today for the first time in 5 weeks. I told him of my living situation. I told him that it was not easy to stay positive. I wondered whether he would simply agree with what she said and hence deliver a double-whammy. He didn't.

"You see," he said "what the Light is telling you here is that you just need to get any job so that you can get out from where you are living. And yes, you are taking action to get a job, but even though you can get the good job in a week, sometime it take one month before you start and maybe two month for the money to come through. So before then, just go out and work on the checkout, or something. Then at least you don't have the anxiety from having no money. And the job that you are looking for will appear for you"

And this is what I had already been thinking for the past week (thanks, Sis) and was planning to do. But still, I admitted to him, I had to fight hard with my pride. Kabbalah Rookie, 1st class honours degree in Computing, working on a checkout? Or as an Office Assistant? It cannot be!, says my Pride. My teacher and I discussed the merits of being humble.

So that is what I plan to do - swallow my pride, walk in to an Agency and say "I don't care what it is, I need a job asap". So this will be interesting. And yes, maybe my landlady has a point, but I think my teacher's message was pretty clear.

Anyways, I head home and make my way to Sainsbury's to spend more money on food (have you seen the latest bargains on chocolate? My word...). As I was walking past a rather busy bus stop, I spotted a penny on the pavement. Aha! Abundance! The Universe has given me a penny! So I stopped to pick it up, curled my fingernails round the edge, and it wouldn't shift. Wtf? I tried again. Nothing happening, except for a broken nail. Great.

At this point I noticed a few eyes burning holes in the back of my head and realised that everyone at the bus stop was watching me try to pick up a penny that had been super-glued to the pavement. And you would think that a penny glued to uneven concrete would come away quite easily, but no, it seemed to be virtually welded to the spot. The penny was going nowhere. I swiftly stood up and scurried on, avoiding eye contact to the disappointment of my audience, pride turning my cheeks a nice rosy pink.

Dagnabbit.

So it looks as though the only way that the Universe is going to give me any money, is if I overcome my pride and get Any Old Job. But what a creative way to deliver a message.

Not only that, but I was sent an email from one of my personal development/positive thinking/laws of the Universe subscriptions at the same time that I was wrestling the penny, with the subject of Mixed Messages. And the case in point?

Telling the Universe that you want more money and then ignoring a penny lying on the pavement.

Okay, I think I have the message now. Can the next penny not be stuck down, please?

NEXT!

The last week has been a tad tricky. But surprisingly now I am starting to see the wood from the trees.

Let's be honest here, how many people do you know who set up a business with really big ideas and then act on none of them? My business plan was simple - first sort out the contract for creating the trainers manuals, which will bring in a bit of income and keep me busy for a few weeks, then train up to be a trainer with the company (easy-peasy, because I would have immersed myself in the material whilst developing the trainers' manuals), then run training courses whilst building my own materials.

And then all of this 'clearing' stuff got in the way and whilst dragging up old memories and feeling physically sick at the thought of throwing so many things away, I lost any focus that I had on work (which I have to admit, wasn't that much to start off with).

I mean, how hard can it be to sling a few bits on eBay and arrange a car boot sale? At my Astrology reading, I was told that as soon as I got rid of all of the baggage and started taking action, everything was going to start opening up and big things were going to come to me - work, love - everything I could possibly dream of was all there for the taking. And yet still I sat on my arse incapable of taking any action. And the less action I took, the lower I felt.

On Wednesday night, after spending the whole day in an ever deepening mire, I spoke to a friend at the Kabbalah centre. Rather than providing any sympathy, she suggested that instead of being disappointed with myself, that I should approach my feelings with the attitude of "Okay, NEXT!" and move on. She also told me to increase my use of the tools - prayers, meditations, scanning the Aramaic text of the Zohar - doing whatever I could to break the cycle.

I stayed at my friends house that night and decided to grab a volume of the Zohar when I arrived and scan for 10 minutes. I selected a volume and randomly opened the book - and stopped in my tracks. There, on the page was my (real) name - Deborah (you didn't really think that my parents would christen me Kabbalah, did you?)

Well, maybe a coincidence. Blatantly this portion would be littered with the name. I searched the previous pages, and the following pages, and this was the only reference to my name. In fact, I have not found my name listed in the Zohar before. So I skipped back a few paragraphs and started to read the translation. On the previous page, I found a reference to the receiving of the Torah. The Torah was received by Moses on Mount Sinai on the sixth day of Gemini - Shavuot - which was the day I was born. Curious.

Not being able to make head nor tail of the meaning of the translation, I decided to discover who Deborah was. It turns out that Deborah was probably one of the most powerful women in Israel. According to the information I found online, she was the only female high court judge, a prophetess, a poet and a general. She persuaded General Barak to raise an army of 10,000 men to defeat the Canaanites, and attended the battle. She was not a proponent of war, however, preferring to provide counsel to those who required her wisdom, coming from a place of love and peace. The document stated that everyone listened to her. Oh God, that sounds so much like me...

Reading this information gave me the courage to finally make a phone call to sort out the trainers' manual contracts, and I had been advised to speak to a different business partner - B. As it turns out, B had no idea of any agreements in place, had never seen the value in the creation of these manuals, did not want to invest, did not think that the manuals were needed or were any level of priority and thought that the length of time to create them was a complete fallacy. He made it sound as though I was really trying to stitch them up. Great.

Straining to keep a calm disposition, I asked about training to become a trainer, at which point he suggested that I call back in two weeks when things had settled down a bit at their end.

So much for being listened to.

After five minutes wailing messily on a friend's shoulder, my analytical brain started to do the math. The reason why I had held back on confirming this contract was partly because I didn't want to face the financial reality of them turning me down, and partly because I didn't want to create the bloody manuals in the first place. The more I thought of the actual process of creating them, the more I saw the task as a trauma rather than a joy. It was more something to get out of the way so that I could start to do what I really wanted to do - training.

Now that I know that the contract is not going ahead - despite my financial situation - I feel slightly relieved. In fact, so relieved that even if the first partner begged me to create the manuals, I think I would walk away. I may not have handled the situation perfectly, but who needs that kind of hassle?

Then I thought back to the Astrology prediction and my belief that everything happens for a reason. I have little idea of where I go from here - who to approach, where the next penny is coming from - but as long as I start to push and make progress, things will start to show up. I still trust that - even though I don't get it just yet - the Universe is unfolding as it should.

In which case: "NEXT!!"