Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Happy (rainy) Birthday to Meeee...

This is my official birthday according to the Gregorian calendar. So although I think the day would be hard pressed to beat the No. 11 bus ride that I took on the morning of my Hebrew birthday, the advantages to this one are that it is official and hence I am receiving lots of lovely phone calls, emails and cards. So that's nice. Very nice, in fact.

Having said that, it's a bit of a strange day. Despite having all kinds of nice messages and calls, I am not likely to come in to physical contact with a single human bean. Not unless I head out to the bars later and trawl for well-wishers, but that's not the kind of human contact I am looking for. I guess I could always hit the streets with a "Free Hugs" sign if I was totally that desperate.

The reason for my physical isolation is partly due to the tube strike. Those RMT rotters have closed down the underground system for 48 hours as of 7pm last night. This meant that my best friend, who had spotted an opportunity to travel down from Newcastle to London and take me out for drinks and a meal last night, couldn't make it. Or rather, she could have done, but we both decided that transport-wise, it would be a bit of a nightmare.

So then because of the underground being out, I decided to work from home for the next couple of days, which was I felt was a good decision to make, because I knew that the monotony would be broken by a visit from GBM who said that he would take me out for a meal tonight. Then he called this morning to say that he woke up with excruciating pain in his shoulder and can't drive. Slightly gutted? Yes. But no grudges - if he could make it, he would.

Looking on the bright side, now I actually have the time to fit in my annual bath.

And of course, it is raining. Every year I hear people moaning about the rain and exclaiming "It's June! It should be summer! Where is the sun?!" Oh how short people's memories are. It rains 9 1/2 years out of 10 on the 10th of June - I worked that one out long ago. And got over it.

In the true spirit of raising my consciousness, I could either choose to be devastated over my birthday, or cheerful for what I have. I choose the latter. I've decided that the saddest birthday is the one that you don't reach. I'm lucky - today I have reached the grand old age of 39 - many don't.

I have decided that the age of 39 is very lucky. 39 is 3 x 13. The word 'Love' in Hebrew has a numerical value of 13. So that's 3 times Love. Hmm.. I think there's a song for this, and the words are so incredibly appropriate too....

Love, Love, Love

Love, Love, Love

Love, Love, Love

There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.

It's easy.

There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.

It's easy.

All you need is Love, All you need is Love,
All you need is Love, Love... Love is all you need.

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.

It's easy.

All you need is Love, All you need is Love,
All you need is Love, Love... Love is all you need.

      All You Need Is Love - The Beatles
Amen to that.
Always on the Bright Side.... K.R.

Monday, 8 June 2009

More Procrastination

This morning I had my follow up appointment with the ENT consultant. Despite the fact that my symptoms still persist I had an overwhelming feeling that I was wasting his time. The scan of my sinuses was fine, which is good. This meant that having an operation solely to correct my deviated septum without needing drill further holes/relieve excrutiating face pain or headaches etc was considered overkill - which is also good. Quite frankly I don't relish the thought of anybody (skilled or not) approaching my delicate schnoz with a hammer and chisel. How do the irripressably vain cope?

I was pleased with myself for making the consultant laugh at my faux disappointment by stating "Awww... I was hoping that whilst I was under they could just maybe shave a little bit off the end and make my nose look a little more pointy". But I was even more pleased when he responded by saying "Believe me, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the look of your nose at all. It's a lovely nose" Gush. He is rather attractive. I will hold on to that warm girly feeling for the rest of the week.

Anyway, after making my eyes water a second time by invading my nasal passages with a probe ("just to double check"), I went home with a prescription for Gastro Resistant capsules, to rule out the possibility of reflux, of all things. I had already decided that trekking in to London in the afternoon was a foolish idea, given that I had plenty that I could get on with at home, so I contacted the office to let them know.

And then the procrastination began. Instead of launching in to the work tasks, I had a cup of tea. Then I checked my email. Then I had another cup of tea, with some lunch. Then I checked my email again. Then I printed out the documents and instructions for what I was asked to deliver and wasn't sure I understood exactly what needed to be done. I felt slightly sick. Perhaps another cup of tea will cure that. It didn't.

I thought about all of the little tasks that I needed to get done before my friend arrives tomorrow night (tube strike permitting), like wiping away a mark on the kitchen floor, properly cleaning the loo, putting on the freshly washed duvet cover. Oh, and I need to finish my Vision Board (because the bits are all over the living room floor) and iron some clothes for the rest of the week. Should I do all of that now and get it out of the way? Best not. I read through the documents again and sent an email with a short list of questions to clarify the task.

After checking my email at least a billion times, I finally made a start on creating one of the documents. And I just couldn't get my words together (I know! How unlike me!) My Ego was having a field day (ha ha, silly cow, you can't write for to-ffeeee, who is going to give you a job, you incompetent, good for nothing!) but rather than cave in to yet another cup of tea, I moved away from the introduction and started on the second paragraph instead.

And after five minutes I got in to the flow.

So that's the first document nearly complete, and the second document needs to be virtually identical, save for one section. Marvellous.

And then I read today's Kabbalah Daily Tune Up and laughed. The question I want to ask Yehuda Berg is "How do you read my mind like that?!" See for yourself:
Challenges are opportunities. I'd just like to remind you of this timeless principle for the 2,344,343th time.

Believe me, I know seeing negative events as opportunities (rather than punishment) is one of the hardest things a person can do. Just remember, it's second nature to your soul and the more you practice this perspective, the more it will become second nature to your rational consciousness.

Today, watch your experience change as your attitude changes towards things that would normally bother you.

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Making Mistakes

Life is all about fulfilment - about having desires and achieving them. And yet so many of us fall short. So many of us stop trying because we are afraid to fail. Or we aim low because we think it is more realistic and then fall short of that because we fall out of love with the lesser dream.

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind. I attended a motivational course, then was invited to attend a three day Train the Trainer course. After this I was invited to speak to the MD about a book keeping position that he thought I might be able to help with, which is strange because other than being quite good at numbers and detail, I have no book keeping skills whatsoever. So I took this interest as a desire to lend me a helping hand in getting out of my situation and went to speak with him just over a week ago, where we ended up talking about my skills as a training support and documentation provider. He was interested. The company need to revise their training manuals and he thought he may be able to make use of my skills.

The long and the short of it is, I was offered a 3 week work trial, which considering that I thought there might be a position open at the end of the trial, I suggested that we formalise with the job centre. He agreed.

All I can really say is that my first week at 'work' felt awful. I was given little or no direction in what I was meant to be doing and little opportunity to ask. None of the directors are on the same page requirements-wise. I found myself sinking in to such a negative place that I lost all confidence and could feel myself taking energy from everyone around me. I believed I was being brought in to create the training manual and right at the end of the week I was told that all they wanted was a design to hand over to the design company to create the manual. There is no sign of a job opportunity at the end of the trial as far as I can see.

I managed to travel for an hour on the train, pick up some milk and some take-out successfully fighting back the tears, before caving in to body wracking sobs over my fish and chips on the kitchen counter. Even at the time I recognised the humour in the vision that this was portraying, trying to stuff salad-creme covered chips (hey, don't mock it until you have tried it) in to my mouth whilst simultaneously wiping the tears, blowing my nose and gulping air.

And then I got to thinking - what was this all about? The Light has placed me here for a particular reason. What is it? What do I need to change in myself in order to change the situation? I was angry with the MD and the other staff, but more angry with myself for hiding away like a dormouse for the entire week. I was angry with him for not valuing my opinion. But how can he value me if I don't value myself?

The thing is, I would love to see their company with really fabulous, impressive training material. My heart is definitely in the right place. I know that if a couple of design mock ups were handed over to the design company, that it still wouldn't ensure that the content was pitched at the right level, leaving little improvement over what they already have.

So there is one part of me supremely confident that nobody could create those training materials better than me. And this part of me knows that the solution is to quickly master a desktop publishing package and a graphics package, build a few pages in detail to work out how long the entire manual would take, shout my skills from the rooftops and give them a price.

And there is another part of me which is absolutely shitting myself. What if they laugh my proposal out of the room? What if they say no? But even worse, what if they say yes? What if I then have to prove what I am capable of and what if I fail and they don't want me to do any more work for them? Or if they don't have any more work for me? How am I then going to find more business??

I think that potentially this is one of the biggest hurdles that I have to face in life: the art of valuing my worth, of not calculating the potential outcomes beforehand and talking myself out of a taking a risk for fear of failing.

And then I read the Kabbalah Daily Tune Up today, by Yehuda Berg...
I bet I make more mistakes than you. Earlier in my life it used to drive me nuts ... how could I hope to do so much for the world and yet constantly mess up?

But I soon learned to love my losses because, as my father continued to remind me, we learn the MOST from making mistakes. Or as Thomas Edison answered when asked how he persevered in inventing the light bulb after 1,000 failures:

"I have not failed 1,000 times. I have successfully discovered 1,000 ways that do not work, and I do not need to try them again."

Today, be patient with yourself. You are in this world to learn, so start by learning to enjoy the process.

Looks like I am about to learn some valuable lessons.... might as well enjoy the process....