Friday, 11 December 2009

A Light in the Darkness

No, scrap that, several Lights in the Darkness.

First I would like to thank all of my blogging friends for throwing me a line - where I would be without you all, I just don't know. Luckily for me, it seems that none of you are prepared to let me slide in to my gloom. I am truly blessed and deeply touched that you care.

Depression is a cruel beast - but it is crueller still when you have an understanding of how life works, because it is accompanied by enormous guilt. Somewhere deep inside me is the knowledge of what I can bring to the world - the positive impact I can make to other people. So when I am locked away in my own pain, I am doubly crippled with the guilt that I am denying the world of what I am here to bring. And that sounds as though I believe I am something special, but actually, I am. And so are you.

My recent infatuation served a purpose. It wasn't about him, it was about me and my perceptions of what I am worth, of who I would want to be to even consider being with someone like him - who he would be attracted to and where I fall short in that equation at this moment in time: where I want to be in life, what I have the capacity to be and my beliefs relating to what is possible or probable with respect to falling in love.

The long and the short of it is: I don't believe that I deserve to have it all. Which is ridiculous, because, why not? Someone is out there waiting to come in to my life, and I am blocking them because of a fear that they will somehow fall short. I want them to be amazing in so many respects, but believe that if they are intelligent and caring and spiritual, they will also be pug-ugly and I would have to put a bag over their head to sleep with them. Or maybe they will be physically incredible, but intolerably shallow or dull. Or just looking for a good time and nothing long term. Is it possible that there is an attractive, intelligent, caring man out there who could possibly fall in love with me and who would love to have kids?

I'm putting up barriers to avoid what I perceive to be inevitable disappointment, pain and tears. I hanker after the unattainable, because at least that way I can't be rejected. As a result I am missing out on a lot of fun and the opportunity to find love.

I met with my new teacher yesterday, and after 45 minutes of 'being honest' about feeling so low (I didn't mention the infatuation) but as far as I was concerned skirting around the real issues somewhat, he said "You need to put a plan in place so that you can move towards where you want to be". I laughed out loud, mocking his suggestion "Plan? Plan? That's all I ever do is plan! I write out lists of what I need to do every day, but there is no structure! There is no one to set me deadlines, nothing to work towards... I can go for days without seeing anybody. I leave the centre and go home and I don't see another person from one day to the next! I can't keep myself going and yes, I do know that this doesn't help and it isn't where I want to be!"

"So, what do you need? You need more structure? Can I help to put a structure in place?" He asked.
"No, it's not the structure... it's not the structure! I need... I need...." and I so desperately wanted to say "LOVE! I NEED MORE LOVE! I HAVE NOTHING COMING IN FROM DAY TO DAY! I JUST WANT SOMEBODY WHO WILL LOVE ME!!" but at that point I realised that I couldn't say that without crying, and crying is not what I do. Plus I know that love comes from within - nobody can love you until you love yourself first. There is asking for the impossible, and asking for the impossible.

What followed was a bizarre situation where I couldn't speak for fear of crying. So I sat with my head in my hands, fighting to hold back the tears. Don't you dare fucking cry. Breathe. Suck it back. Now is not the time. Crying looks stupid. Breathe. And all of the time I was aware of him sitting there in silence, waiting patiently without judgement, and I thought Well, hey ho, this is a little strange. I feel like a right muppet. If I look up now, will my face look stupid? Will I burst in to tears? He's not going to say anything. Oh crap, hurry up and pull yourself together.

The minutes passed whilst I fought with myself, and eventually I won and composed myself.

And therein lies my issue - the darkest seed that lies festering within. When I was 11 years old I mastered one important lesson to help me to survive the situation I was in: my feelings didn't matter. And so I learned to shove them down as they came along - I was one person to the outside world and another person within. I changed my behaviour to keep people away. Despite the horrors that went on in the house I pretended that it didn't matter. Every time I tried to express my feelings, I was told that I was making something out of nothing, mountains out of molehills, being dramatic, seeking attention. And when you hear that message every day for over seven years, there comes a time when you believe it to be true.

When I left home, the habit of being one person on the surface and another underneath remained. The well of unhappiness grew in to a dense, dark spot which has been added to with each emotional upset. I've never wanted to disturb it because I dread to think what I might find. It's too black. Too overwhelming. If I open up this can of worms I might never survive - it will swallow me whole. I'm frightened that if I start crying, I will never stop. The fear is too great.

Oh piffle. Fear is an illusion. And in any event, now that I have recognised something that has been controlling my life for all of these years, I can't not deal with it. Ignoring this for any longer is simply denying myself the opportunity to be happy - pushing away the Light. And that I can't do.

I was aware of all of this before I met with my teacher - I said none of it. It didn't matter because after watching me force my tears down, he could see all of it. And he has offered to help.

Now is my time. The time to face everything that I have previously tried to ignore. The time to move forwards, once and for all, release these blockages and find me some Luuurve as a result.

Best prepare yourself, chaps, this is one woman who once she decides what she is going to wear, doesn't need a lot of time to get ready...


  1. It sounds like you are in the right frame of mind for New Year Resolutions. But make sure you give yourself a full year to realise them. Good luck.

  2. Alan: Thank you. I have a habit of giving up too soon - but underneath all that is the certainty that the Universe is unfolding as it should...

  3. My dear Kabbalah,

    Your realisation is priceless, and so are your teachers, every one of them.

    I wish you the peace to make your plans unfold.

    Happy Chanukkah!

  4. e: Happy Chanukkah to you too! Thank you - much peace and love in return x With your advice I have managed not to burn down the house with my Chanukkiah...!!