Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Probably the most depressing post in the world, ever

It's all very well understanding the Laws of the Universe - how it all works, what I am meant to be thinking, feeling and doing in order to get results - but putting it in to practice is another matter entirely.

What is even worse is knowing what works and what doesn't and choosing what doesn't.

This Friday night starts the week of Chanukah - the week of miracles. We are in the month of Sagittarius, which lends a little light-heartedness and breeziness to life, but it also means that we expect things to happen without much effort and at the sign of any challenges, we run.

This week we are meant to go the extra mile - put in the extra effort to generate the miracles for the coming year. And all I want to do is run. And hide, which is what I do best.

And as if I didn't have enough on my plate - selling things, watching the money run out, trying to find the strength to motivate and believe in myself, think about how I am going to push forward with work, buy cheap Christmas presents for people knowing that I will feel utterly unworthy when I receive their generous gifts - I have found something else to completely wreck my mind.

I've fallen in love.

Except of course, I haven't fallen in love, not really. I've met someone - once - spoken to them two or three times, and become totally besotted with them. It is and always will be totally unrequited. And even though I know full well that I have fallen in love with a total fantasy which is probably a long way from the reality, it hurts.

Not just because I feel jealous of whoever has had the pleasure of his attentions (because, oh dear sweet God, how did you manage to create a man in such perfect proportion? And why did you not use the same tape measure for all men? Answer me that, huh?), but also because I can imagine what type of woman he would be attracted to. Or rather I think there are a number of types of women that he would be attracted to... and I don't fit in to any of these types.

In short, in my current situation and state of mind, I can't blame any man for giving me a wide berth. I'm not taking good care of my body or my mind. I need more than a few new outfits, at least 3 months at the gym (preferably 9 to 5), a haircut and 4 hours of waxing, minimum. I need to find work so that I am not sitting around at home losing my self esteem but am losing my self esteem so much that I can barely talk to people about work. (oh boy, chicken, meet egg. Egg, meet chicken).

And then this man comes along and helps me to see where I would love to be... and how far it is from where I'm at.

So I need more than one miracle. I need a bagful of miracles. Unfortunately I feel so low with constantly beating myself up I think I need a miracle just to get off my arse and actually do something which might grant me a miracle.

Friday night is the lighting of the first candle of Chanukah. Last year I didn't bother with the candle lighting, but this year I decided to make the effort and invested in a Menora. It's not your standard candlestick, oh no. It's a set of little glass bulb oil lamps which you fill with olive oil, with wicks and floating stopper discs, and a strange wax stick-type-thing - the purpose of which is completely unknown to me. I have all of the meditations in Hebrew, and the exact times for lighting the candles for each of the 8 days of Chanukah. And no instructions on how to light them.

Perhaps the first miracle will be that I don't burn the house down....


  1. Candles are normally lit from right to left, one candle for each night...

    You've not asked, and perhaps I should not say, but perhaps a shower or bath and the attendant tasks are a good first step to improving your outlook...

    You're right...Maybe you should write out all the things that are right at the moment. It is stressful to be without work, but work is only one aspect of life. Taking care of yourself, having a bit of fun, connecting with friends and others important to you are all important, too.

    My list today includes the following:

    Jacob, Phoebe, Angel
    Roof over my head
    Beautiful weather
    Healthy food
    Blogging buddies

    Do I want a companion? Yes, but it won't be the end of the world if this person doesn't appear, because I'm an awesome woman anyway.

    So are you, rotten mood notwithstanding.

    You won't burn the house down.

  2. i dont believe much of what you write of yourself for the simple reason that i have read too much else that you have written.
    amazing indeed.
    you'll get lit up this year in many good ways, rookie.
    the first light begins on the day of rest.
    it will be a ood one.
    and many more to come.

  3. I forgot to say that you light the candles in your chanukiah by using the middle one known as a shamash to light the other candles.
    first night, light the right most candle as you face the chanukiah (menorah) with the shamash.

    Let me know if you need more help.

  4. With all do respect and affection:

    When you're done lighting candles and waiting for miracles, maybe a gym membership and a trip to ye olde waxing shoppe would be in order(?). If you've seen what you want and feel you're a distance from being able to attain it, then get moving in that direction. Whatever powers there may be in the universe can't do it all by themselves.

    Good luck. I'm pulling for you.

  5. e: You are indeed an amazing woman, and thank you for your kind words (and candle lighting instructions!). It is not easy to explain my situation without sounding pitiful - and I really don't want a pity party! Work is only one aspect of life, but if only that were all that were missing. I'm not blaming anyone else but myself for getting in this situation. I'll perk up again, I promise.

    JST: Thank you - my online Angel :o)

    IB: Actually, it has to be haircut first. You are totally right - God helps those who help themselves and nothing will happen without my effort. I'm not sitting around waiting for miracles, just depressed that I am finding my current situation so hard and am not doing enough to warrant any miracles!!!

    Just imagine how much worse things would be if I didn't know all of you in the blogging world. You really do make such a difference, so Thank You.

  6. Repeat after me Kab :
    Now keep repeating that all Christmas if necessary. You do not deserve all the criticism you pile on yourself.

  7. Alan is right, KB! I hope things are looking up!