On Tuesday I made a huge effort to clear some space and at the end of the evening I was tearful and tired. Why is this so hard?
Yesterday I was working from W's house and still feeling slightly fragile. Unluckily for me, she is the kind of person who doesn't mince her words. Luckily for me, she has the ability to see straight through my actions and work out what is really going on.
It's not easy to hear things that you don't want to hear, although I am grateful that these messages are being delivered by people who truly care.
I explained what I had been up to, that I had been sorting through things but was still stressed because I was moving in just over a couple of weeks and had not found anywhere to live - I hadn't even really started looking, because I just wanted to sort out my stuff.
"No." she said. "You have plenty of people who will come and help you pack your stuff and move you when you find somewhere to live. Think of all of the time and effort that you are spending trying to sell things - to be honest with you, the £400 or so that you will raise is not worth it. You might as well just give it away - it's not worth the effort. You need to focus 100% right now on finding somewhere to live, and much as you don't enjoy sorting through your stuff, it is still easier for you to sit amongst your tat than it is for you to go out and find a place to live"
I sighed. "I guess the fear of moving in to a shared house is bigger than I thought and you're right - I'm afraid that I won't find a house with people I can get along with, or a house where the people like me. I don't want to face that rejection, hence why I am hiding away"
"So whilst you are sitting worrying about all of the things that you don't want, you aren't getting anywhere" she continued "Focus on the great fun you will have, the new life you will be living - never mind your 'stuff', you can buy that all again. I think you'll find that 'Life on the Other Side' really isn't as scary as you think it will be - it's just your imagination"
I wanted to cry - just for the sheer build-up of emotion over the past few days. But I didn't. I started to look on room sharing websites and facing the fear that with the number of unfurnished rooms available, I may have to get rid of more than I had initially planned.
Later in the day, I met with my teacher. I told him what W had said and he seemed totally unconcerned at the limited amount of time I had to find somewhere to live - which boosted my belief that anything and everything is possible. I then told him about my trip to see my Dad over the weekend and the various emotions that arose - not seeking approval, but wanting it all the same, the lack of understanding as to what I had been through which came from a disapproval of my current situation.
The energy of the week is that of Mishpatim - reincarnation. The questions we should be asking the Light are ones of 'show me where the events or relationships in this life have come from past lives' and so I wasn't looking for sympathy or counselling, just an idea of what the issues with my Dad could have meant. And my teacher didn't know, but said that there would be a reason and that I should keep asking.
I said that my Dad kept returning to one subject again and again and again and I couldn't keep him off it. My teacher said "well, once you have the message you need to find a way of dealing with him, of saying 'okay, let's not discuss this now, can we change the subject?'
I laughed out loud.
"What is so funny, you cannot tell me?" my teacher asked.
I took a deep breath. "Okay, so my Dad believes that if you are good at something and can make money at it, then you should do it whether you enjoy it or not. I know he loves me dearly and he worries about me, but he's not interested in me finding something that makes me happy. And I'd told him of my plans - I just need to focus on moving and get everything ready and then I can start looking for work - but he just wouldn't stop. Every five minutes he said "I just think you need to get a job"....
My teacher looked me straight in the eye. "Your father is perfectly correct." he said.
WHAAAAAAAT?????? Run that by me again??
"If you are good at something then that is the Light that you need to bring to the world - it doesn't matter if you enjoy it or not"
"What about fulfilment? What about being happy?" I asked (rather cross at this point).
"Ah, fulfilment is just the Ego. The real fulfilment comes from the Light. The challenges come from the work and that is how you transform. You don't agree with me, no?"
I said that no, I didn't agree. It wasn't what I wanted to hear.
"But this is good" he continued "Whatever your reasons that your father had for saying the things that he said, it doesn't matter whether he knows about spirituality, or has any understanding that this is spiritually correct - he was delivering a prophecy. He was an angel for you at that time. That is why he repeated himself over and over. Whether or not you have heard the message before, and whatever your situation before, I think that if you now go back to doing what you were doing before, things will open up. It is waiting for you. I am so excited about this. Are you not excited? This is wonderful for you!"
My teacher was grinning with glee. I have to say, it was infectious. Although I still didn't like what I was hearing - that he didn't really care either whether I was happy or not, just that I got a job. I considered giving him my Dad's phone number - they would get along so well.
But when I stop to think about it, the things that I was good at in my last job were also the things that I enjoyed. And those same tasks are applicable to what I have recently been doing voluntarily, supporting web site content.
So yes, I am starting to get excited about my new life.
But first I will be focusing on finding somewhere to live...