Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Vessel all sparkly clean

Well, almost.

I had a bit of a jam-packed day yesterday, but it did indeed end on a high note. Or is that a wet note? I don't know.

After working all day on fixing the issues with a website, I left W's house just after 4pm to go house hunting with a chap, 'R', who also wants to share a house. He had arrange a tour of 3 properties with an estate agency so that we could see the area, so I set off across London with my laptop bag slung over my shoulder, feeling as if I 'could use a little more energy'.

The estate agent, L, was rather bubbly and young, but very honest, and R was in top form - very keen and full of questions, with his notepad to hand. I let them get on with it.

As we drove to the first location, R started to ask lots of questions - what references do they need? what sort of tenancy duration works best with the landlords, how long had she been working with landlords, how many deals does she seal a week, etc.

As I listened to their conversation in my silent haze, I started to feel the fear grow. They want 3 references, including bank statements and pay slips, committing to a tenancy exceeding 12 months works best with the landlords, then as she started to ask R what he did for a living I could feel my inner voice screaming to be let out of the car. Please don't ask me what I do...

We arrived at the first property, still occupied with tenants in the process of moving. It made my house look tidy and clean by comparison. R 'oohed' and 'aahed' at each of the rooms, said that he loved the kitchen, said that the living room was great, but as soon as I walked in the door I knew that I couldn't live here. This wasn't what I had in mind.

Finally R asked for my first impressions.
"Well, the triangular shaped living room would drive me crazy" I said "and the house feels small. Nice bathroom though" I lied.

We were already running late and halfway towards the second property L discovered that she had a flat tire on the car. Oh good. She dropped us back off at the tube station and I made a 'Note To Self' to get R looking at the properties posted online, to see what bang he could really be getting for his buck.

R and I chatted on the journey back to the centre, and he questioned my need to move before I got a job. The questioning had me confused. I felt as though I had the plan in my head - let go of belongings, move house, continue to volunteer for my friend, build my CV, land a job or a contract. It's all so simple in theory, but when someone questions it, my certainty starts to evaporate. I started to wonder whether handing in my notice on my existing place right now was such a good idea. Perhaps I should wait. Maybe it's not enough time.

At 7pm I helped to register the attendees for the Zohar class - a Zohar class with a huge attendance list solely because it was being delivered by Eitan Yardeni. My head was still in a bit of a whirr, not least because I'd had a conversation with one of the girls when I arrived 12 hours early for the Mikveh to say that she didn't know whether she would be able to lead me through the process because of the big Zohar class. Hence not knowing whether I would have to wait another week.

And I really wanted to do the Mikveh, but I also didn't want to leave Eitan's class, given that he is usually based in New York. I adore Eitan's energy. There is something about it that my soul wants to absorb like a sponge. But not only did I have the Mikveh to contend with, I also knew that sitting on registration meant that I would miss the start of his class too.

I had a lot of letting go to do.

And so I did. As the place began to fill with people, I let go of my doubts. If the Light wants me to do the Mikveh, that is what will happen. And it will allow me to hear whatever message I need to hear from Eitan, no matter how much of his class I miss.

As soon as I let go, my teacher appeared.
"So you are booked for the mikveh tonight, yes?"
I explained the situation - the earlier conversation I'd had, not knowing whether anyone would be free.
"Someone will be free" he said "I'll have a word and make sure of it"

Okay, cool. Bob's your uncle, and Fanny's your aunt, and Kabbalah Rookie is going to the Mikveh tonight.

Ten minutes after the class started, myself and the other girl on registration were told that we could go in. Two seconds after that, we were told that, actually, one of us had to stay outside. Once again, I let go, and volunteered to stay outside. Eitan started talking. I couldn't hear him. I would miss the whole class. I felt the sadness rising, but then let it go.

Instantly one of the other Chevre said that she would take care of registration, and I could go in. Well, how's that for answers?

And the wonderful message from this week was all about Romemut - total appreciation that everything comes from the Light - all of our challenges, all of our blessings. And that the only time we really start to hear the messages is when our Romemut for the Light is high. As soon as we start to believe that the good things that happen are through luck, or another person, or through our own capabilities, or that the healing properties of herbs actually come from the herbs themselves (when it is the Light that provides the healing properties to the herbs - interesting concept) then we lose our Romemut for the Light and head down the path of false idol worship. At which point we stop hearing the messages.

I thought about the situation with moving - how I felt challenged by the financial requirements and work situation from L, how I felt that R didn't really have the same idea of moving as I had, how I questioned my need to move first and start a new life after. It's all irrelevant. The perfect house is already there, the third flatmate is waiting to be discovered, the money to cover the deposit will be found, and there are ways of getting rid of my belongings if I need to change my plans and move in to a shared house with a furnished room.

I will set my focus, take action, and the rest will come from the Light, challenges and all.

The Mikveh process was interesting - I felt slightly rushed and as a result came out of the pre-Mikveh shower realising that I hadn't focused for one second on what negativity I wanted to cleanse. It was strange to be naked in a pool with a Chevre standing at the side talking me through the prayers and meditations. But in the midst of questioning whether I had just screwed up the process by not being 'in the zone' and even questioning the process itself, I remembered Romemut and I also remembered the power of the New Year's Eve burning - what I was tapping in to. And as I ducked under the water, I allowed the Light to do its work.

So I may not have heard everything that Eitan had to say, but I definitely heard what I needed to hear.

And despite being awake and having such a busy day, I travelled home on the train with a buzz of serenity.

Everything is going to be just fine, after all.

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