Where's a man when you need one?

Okay, I give up. I have finally conceded that I need a man in my life. Any capable man will do.

Not that I haven't wanted a man in my life for quite some time now. But the situation has now become desperate. I am dropping my standards completely.

Is it because I need someone to curl up on the couch with whilst I am watching TV? Errrm, no. Given my past experience, there are few men out there who would settle for the same flavour of dross that I watch. And anyway, I'm not ready to face the growing knot in my stomach when I relinquish sole ownership of the TV remote. As for sharing my TV chocolate, forget it.

Is it because I need more conversation? Errrm, no. I have more intelligent talkative friends - male and female - than I could shake a stick at.

Is it because I need a hug? Errrrm, no. Strangely enough, over the past few months the number of 'huggers' I have met have dramatically increased. I am getting hugs right, left and centre. I cannot complain in the hug department. I get hugs from people I have met at Ceroc, hugs from friends at the Kabbalah centre, I've had 4 hugs from Nick Williams, I love to give all of my friends a big hug. I demand to offer at least one huge hug to GBM every time I see him - minimum - and the snuggles and hugs I get in my role as pseudo auntie to my friend's children are just delightful. I am not saying that I am hugged out - there is always room for more - but that isn't the reason why I need a man.

Okay, so is it the sex, then? Am I hankering after a bit of passion? Is my bed too big? Errrm, no. I don't need 5 minutes of damp grunting followed by 7 hours of snoring or stray arms pinning me down. I'll save that pleasure for someone special. Remember, at this moment, right now, I am prepared to drop my standards. Nobody mentioned Soulmate.

Perhaps it would be easier for me to just describe my need in the form of an advertisement...

Blue-eyed goddess, 38, seeks good looking man with own transport to take control of setting up a TiVo box.

• Must be small enough to fit in to tight corners without any display of builder's bum (unless bum is peachy and hair-free, in which case, mustn't mind if I sit on the couch and watch the entire operation).
• Must understand the difference between a Digital Terrestrial Box and an Analogue Cable Box (and know without ringing your mates which category applies to my Virgin Cable Digibox).
  
• Must understand the difference between a coax and RF cable and be able to work out which cables plug in to which devices in which order - with or without the simple pictoral instructions provided.
  
• Must be able to attend before the start of Dexter, Season 3.
  

Payment: Wide-eyed admiration and awe at your technical ability. Use of phrases such as 'You've completely saved my life' and 'What would I have done without you?'. And if you can mow the lawn before you leave, I'll chuck in a cup of tea and a digestive (unless your bum is really that peachy in which case I will review compensation).

Actually, I am perfectly capable of working this out for myself, but for once, I just can't be sodding asked and am willing to feign helplessness if it will save me the time and the hassle.

Any takers?