Okay, so this is day two of PMT and I woke up feeling dehydrated, tired, drained and bloated. Plus every extremity was aching from doing the Bar Method DVD on Tuesday. And I promised I would make the Bar Method an Every Other Day thing... but changed my mind abruptly this morning.
Today's big task today was signing on - a self-inflicted painful event that occurs every two weeks. Self-inflicted in the fact that I could avoid all of the angst by getting a job. And I will do. Soon.
So I got on the bus and became absorbed in my iPod all of the way to Hertford, then decided to browse the shelves of WHSmith's for spiritual/scientific/inspirational books that I really ought to read (if I am ever going to write that book of mine).
The selection was poor. I didn't find "A Course in Miracles" and I couldn't find anything by Wayne Dyer either, or Deepak Chopra. Patanjali? Forget it. Instead my eyes settled on a book called "he's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. This was the book that sparked the film (which I haven't yet seen). Well, this could be useful research, given that most of the books that I have are centered around women - I need to have a male perspective too. Plus, of course, it might help me to move on from ex-PNM, who I still cannot stop 'iffing and anding' about, a week to the day that he dumped me.
This may seem pathetic, but something changed from the moment I met ex-PNM until the moment he dropped me. For the first time in a very long time I:
a) was attracted to somebody; and
b) was dating somebody (okay, I know, twice, but still twice more than nothing); and
c) I had the first bit of hope that Something Nice might be happening in my life.
Oo, Something Nice.
So maybe after a long time of not being special I was a little overexcited at potentially feeling special. And when he dropped me, those little feelings of hope were hard to let go. It may have only been a couple of dates, but the memories were still fresh. One minute I was being kissed and swooned over, and the next it's a 'Probably best not for both our sakes'. It's hard.
I hoped that although there were lessons to be learned on my part, maybe he might still be thinking about me, or wondering whether he had made the right decision.
I have read pretty much all of the book since I arrived home. It is a fabulous and honest book. What I love about Greg's writing is that he is constantly relaying the message to women "This man might not be in to you, but you deserve a man who is, and he is definitely out there". Each of his theories are backed up by a selection of men. So much as it might be easy to brush off the advice of one nice, funny man, it is hard to ignore a small jury of them.
And the result of my findings? ex-PNM was just not that into me. Hard to believe, I know. I mean, what is wrong with him?! Nothing, actually - he called things off before either of us got really hurt - he didn't disappear, he treated me well, he had the decency to not leave me guessing or string me along, he let me down gently with a compliment thrown in - he's a nice guy (and I'm not just saying that because I found him attractive) - but he just wasn't that into me.
Which just leaves me open for the next man who is. Let's hope he catches me on a good day, and not one where I am stomping around in a tearful, hormone-induced huff...