Monday, 2 March 2009

Time to Get The Message

My life, at present, feels like a mess. I spend my unstructured days in my head, daydreaming about all of the future possibilities, trying to inspire myself in to action and beating myself up for the things I am not achieving. But in truth, only action leads to action. It is only those baby steps which are going to open up my world and bring all of the people in to my life who will enable me to grow and realise my purpose.

Awareness is key, though, and at least if I am not walking the walk of what I wish to teach, I am listening for messages all of the time. And since I started actively listening, I have realised that messages are coming at me all the time, from all directions.

Take, for instance, Potential New Man, who decided to become Soul Mate Lesson Number 1 on Thursday night after just two, short dates. After seeming so incredibly blown away by my company on Tuesday night, by Thursday he had decided that we wanted different things out of life and suggested that we just remain friends. His explanation was that:
  1. He didn't want to become involved with a woman who wasn't financially secure. He had been there before, it hadn't worked and wanted to save us both pain in the long run.
  2. He wasn't looking for anything long term.
Fair enough. If we had posted our profiles on a dating site then these things would have been stated up front and we would never have met. But then he also said that I make him melt whenever he sees me and that he would have to do his best to control his actions whenever I was around.

My inner response was mixed. First there was the hurt that he disapproved of me not being financially secure, along with some anger that he wasn't seeing my potential and was judging me on my financial status alone. Second there was the sheer joy in hearing that I had the power to make someone melt with desire. Because it's what we want to hear, isn't it, ladies?

On Friday night I went to Ceroc with the attitude of "I'll show him what he's missing - boy, is he ever going to regret dumping me" expecting some kind of sign that my sexual power would far outweigh his logic.

Big mistake.

When he arrived I greeted him warmly (or is that coolly?), then danced with him for several songs, trying to keep things light. And after that - apart from some fabulous (if not sensational) dances with other men - it all went a bit tits up.

The women far outnumbered the men and I found myself on far too many occasions standing by the side of the dance floor, trying to avoid eye contact with the men with whom I didn't want to dance. Perhaps it was my Glow In The Dark Beginner's Bracelet that put some of the better dancers off, wanting to avoid an accidental finger in the eye or crushing of the foot.

Unfortunately this imbalance meant that ex-PNM was not without a constant supply of dance partners, and so my downtime was spent consumed with jealousy watching him dance with other women. Other, quite sexy women. Other, quite sexy women not sporting a Beginner's Bracelet. For several dances. With lots of talking. And despite the fact that he had said "I'll catch up with you later", he didn't so much as glance in my direction once during the rest of the evening, stopping by only as I was easing my blistered toes back in to my trainers to say "see you around".

Wow. Either he is a fantastic liar or a master of hiding his feelings. So much for making him melt! I felt totally crushed and struggled to untangle my thoughts and understand his.

But it makes no difference what or how he is thinking. If I suddenly became "financially secure" and he became interested again, would I reconsider? Does it matter if he was being honest about our 'values and direction' or was just looking for a quick shag and realised very quickly that he wasn't going to get one? Does it matter if, having not found quick (and rather fantastic, I might add) shag with me, he finds someone else who will satisfy his urges? The answer to all of these is No.

The truth is that I am looking for something deeper than just a physical relationship. I am looking for someone who will love me for me. And I can't do that by giving a man the best sex he has ever had in his life - he has to want something on a deeper level too. But I am also struggling with loving myself at this moment in time, unhappy with what I am or am not achieving, frustrated with my current situation and lack of visible progress - and so I have attracted someone else in to my life who thinks the same as I do. He is disappointed too.

Perhaps at the moment I feel that sex is the only thing that I have to offer that can possibly appeal.

But there was a second and more important lesson to be learned on Friday night. Part of the reason that I hold myself back from making progress on my purpose is because I have limiting thoughts on what I am able to achieve. I tend to wonder why anyone would choose to be inspired by me, or how, given that there are so many inspirational people out there writing books, mediating, counselling, running workshops I could ever be that good. I underestimate my abilities constantly and I like to set other people's expectations accordingly so that I don't hear the words "I thought you said that you could..." or "So-and-so is much better than you are".

And here is the strangest thing: Friday night was only my second night of dancing Ceroc. Even though it is the man's role to lead, there are so many moves that I don't know. Sometimes you think you are heading in one direction, and they spin you back the other, or round again. So every single man that I danced with I set their expectations beforehand that I was a beginner, so that they were prepared for me to be crap and weren't disappointed by the mistakes I made or the misread signals.

And every single man that I danced with said "Take that bracelet off! It doesn't matter how many lessons you've had - you have natural rhythm and you follow the lead perfectly. You can dance!"

Or in other words "Don't set my expectations at a lower level than that which you are capable, because you are fooling no one but yourself".

The Beginner's Bracelet has to come off - and not just on the dance floor.

1 comment:

  1. I could read your stuff all day. Get on with those books! At least you are writing, which is fab. And having this sort of approach and humour in your workshops is going to be brill. Nicxxx