One of the worst things about being single, living on your own, in the process of starting your own business and fast watching your finances going down the pan is The Bank Holiday Weekend.
When you are single at my ripe old age, many of your friends are grown up and married with kids. And grown up people who are married with kids always have something to do.
When you live on your own and have no neighbours (the house one side is empty, the house the other side contains a married couple with two kids with whom I had parking battles - when I had a car, that is) then it is easy for a Bank Holiday Monday to look like any other day.
When you have been out of work for as long as I have, it is hard enough to spot the weekends, let alone the Bank Holiday Weekends. And there seems to be an insurmountable amount of things to learn and do when you are in the process of starting up your own business. No time for fun and frippery.
And when you are watching your savings slowly drain in to the red and feel a long way off from making any money, it is hard to justify treating yourself to a day out. On your own because your married friends all have family commitments. On the bus because you lost your car over a year ago.
And I have to say - it's starting to get to me a little bit. Just a smidgen. Can you tell?
In particular I have started to really miss the freedom of driving - of not having to look at a timetable or make alternative arrangements when there are strikes. If I had given up my car out of choice and could afford to hire one when I had the need, no doubt I would feel liberated and 'Green'. I know that pining over cars is really not appropriate on a Bank Holiday Weekend - but at least when I was stuck for 2 hours on the approach road to junction 7 of the M11, bursting for a wee and praying for air con, I was on my way somewhere nice and didn't have to check a timetable. And if I needed an overnight bag (which I rarely did because I could simply DRIVE HOME) then it would be stowed in the boot rather than both weighing me down and getting stuck in turnstiles.....
On several occasions in the past I have been tempted to throw in the towel with this whole 'finding my life's purpose'. I look at my belongings and wonder which ones I really want to keep, how much I could get for those I would sell, and how much a night shift in Sainsbury's would pay. Anything has to be better than this 'non life'. This isn't living. This is existing. In fact, it's barely that.
And then I remember - it's always the darkest before the dawn. When life feels this shit I must be getting close.
And so I keep going, in search of the Best Bank Holiday Ever.