The Mysteries of Life

No, not the mysteries of the meaning of life - just the mysteries of my life.

• Like, why do I buy beetroot and broccoli every week, and then forget to eat it?
• Why don't the flock of birds sitting in the hedge in my back garden not eat the swarm of bees nesting in the roof of next door's house? They look tasty enough.
• Why do I suffer from short term memory loss every time I diligently paint my nails, smudging them only sixty seconds away from their 'complete drying time'.
• Why, when I decide to cut my fringe to the way I want it in order to prove my hairdresser wrong, do I end up looking like I have been attacked by a blunt pair of shears?
• Why, when I look like I have been attacked by a blunt pair of shears, do I not put the scissors down, instead of persistently trimming and tidying until I look like I have been attacked by a lawn mower?
• Why does the man who comes to read the meter never turn up when I am presentable (in any way, shape or form)?
• Why, when I believe so much in the Laws of Attraction, has my Soul Mate not yet appeared? (Is it the hair and the nails, do you think? Or the obsessing?)
• Why do I bother having a To Do List, when there is nothing on the list that I actually want to do?
• Why is there so much crap on the TV, until the point when I decide to tackle my To Do List (at which point everything looks so unmissable)?
• Why are these unmissable programs never on a channel that has an iPlayer service?
• Why did I never get my video recorder fixed?
• Why haven't I found a working remote for my TiVo?
• Why do the adverts for cars aimed at women, show cartoon cars and not real ones?

The last question came about when watching "For the Rest of your Life" yesterday and I started to notice the targeted advertising. It was blatantly obvious that the program is aimed at housewives - which was a surprise to me - not students?

No, not a pot noodle advert in sight. Instead, there were several L'Oreal adverts, with Andie McDowell saying 'Because you're worth it' without the tiniest crease on her face (which prompted my rather sulky response of 'Yes, Andie, now try saying that without air-brushing'), there was a lovely little Dell advert with lots of pretty laptops in candy colours being created in what looks like a sweet factory, the car advert for budget cars without any sexy ladies or winding country roads in sight. Oh, and a cream which corrects the natural pH of your vagina. Which proves my point and leads me to my final question.

Why, whenever I am eating in front of the TV, am I faced either with someone vomiting, graphic scenes from an operation or adverts for creams that require dabbing round poorly nether regions?

It's probably the Universe telling me that I need to switch off the TV and tick something off my To Do list...