Just over two years ago, I drew my last salary and received a whopping redundancy pay cheque. I had no debt. I went travelling (which turned my Dad pale for a second time), I came home, I found a place to live that I knew would fit in with my imminently huge salary and then the job hunt began. Well, kind of.
You could say that I lost my self esteem, but looking back, I'm not sure that I ever had it. Even with a five figure bank balance and a stack of shares, because I didn't have an income, my well-worn phrase was "I can't afford it".
And here I am, with a bank balance on the brink of tipping in to the red, a credit card now approaching its limit, and all of my shares cashed and spent. I am starting a trial of my business in 4 weeks time and for that six months (because it is on the New Deal scheme) I will not be able to draw a salary. And if I tell you that my benefits only cover half of my outgoings you can see why I am feeling slightly nauseous.
Over the past few weeks this has led to a feeling of being totally trapped in my situation. Money seems to be flowing uncontrollably through my fingers, and each time I spend, I find myself thinking "I can't afford this".
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Focus your attention on your intention. You attract what you are feeling - reality has very little to do with it.
Over the past two days I have received links to 3 videos all on the subject of attracting abundance. Where money is concerned, there is a pot of abundance set aside for every single one of us. But most of us don't believe that we are worth it, or go through life focusing on our lack. If we keep repeating to ourselves "I can't afford it" or "I'll never have any money" then it isn't so much the words but the feeling that the belief generates. And the Universe says "Okay, I hear you. As you wish"
The final straw was a phone conversation with my teacher this afternoon. Once again, I had been too nervous to look at the state of my bank account. We had a short 15 minute call during which he advised me to do the following things:
- Attend the Community Event and Women's Seminar (£18 + £42)
- Attend the Zohar class between now and Rosh Hashanah (£10 per week)
- Buy not one, but three bricks in the new wall in the basement (£100 each)
- Start to regularly tithe every week.
A year ago I would have been highly suspicious of his motives. Why do they always want money? No matter how much I give they keep asking for more! What about ME?!
So why would my teacher - a full time volunteer at the centre - want my money? He's not getting any of it. He's not on commission. And before anyone starts to question the values of the Kabbalah Centre, or their authenticity, nobody is forcing me to do anything and nobody can take anything without my consent either.
By the end of the conversation, I was laughing at my reaction to his suggestions - I was screwing up my face, wincing at his proposals and a little voice inside was screaming "More? You want more? Which part of 'I HAVE NO MONEY COMING IN' do you not understand?!" At which point he would add another expense to the list and listen to my Ego squirm.
I looked at my bank account after the call (in a sudden "oh f*ck it" moment). And it wasn't as bad as I had feared.
With so many messages coming at once, I have to sit up and listen, and start taking action to change the way that I feel. So what can I do?
Well, for a start, I can start believing that the e-courses I create will generate a large amount of income, enough so that I can end my work trial early and pay off all my debt. Is that possible? Well, yes. I can be open to the way that my business will grow - and even though I don't know how I am going to do anything yet, I'm going to trust that all this will come as long as I keep moving forwards. Money will turn up from unexpected avenues. I'm going to create a 'future bank statement' and start to get excited at the reality of seeing a large sum of money in my account. I'm going to repeat affirmations every day to alter my neural paths. Oh, and yes, I am going to tithe.
For all of you doubting Thomases out there, I am going to continue to blog my financial progress. I wonder what the Internet connection is like from Bora Bora?