The character reading was very interesting and I can identify with it all. After several years of introspection and working on self-awareness, it was easy to hear all of my flaws and tendencies without becoming defensive, depressed or offended.
The secret to finding fulfilment often lies in transforming your nature and for that you need to understand who you are and very often take action that you do not want to take.
So let's look at the list:
- I think constantly, when I am awake, when I am asleep, 25 hours of the day [check]
- I am very critical and set high standards - not just for other people but specifically for myself. [check]
- I have big ideas and love to be involved in too many things at once. I end up with too much on my plate, and when I don't get results from all of these unrealistic targets, I give up with the thought that either a) it wasn't for me or b) I'm not good enough to achieve it or c) it wasn't meant to happen. [check]
- I keep my feelings hidden and only reveal to other people what I want them to see [check]
- I have an attachment to material things as a form of security. It is fine for me to have these things, but I need to change my consciousness [check]
- I love to be centre stage but at the same time am very insecure [check]
When I explained that I was in the process of clearing out my clutter, but had come to a complete standstill, the advice was very clear:
"With some people I would say that it is good to keep hold of their possessions. With you, it is not. You need to cut the ties with your past and let it go. That is the secret for you moving on in this life. Throw out all of your old letters. Choose 10 or 15 of your possessions as keepsakes and get rid of the rest. It doesn't matter whether you sell the rest, throw them away or donate them, but you need to get rid of them. It needn't take long to do. Don't even read the letters, just get a black bag and put them in"
What I have come to learn from Kabbalah is that whenever someone gives advice that you feel a strong resistance to and do not want to hear, then you know that what they are saying is true.
My living room floor is scattered with photos, diaries, letters, keepsakes. I started out with the good intention of not hanging on to things I no longer needed, but made the mistake of looking at each thing a little too closely.
Three days ago I made a decision to keep my old diaries. Surely I cannot throw away hours of writing? This is my history, my life, my feelings, my expression. And they don't take up much space.
But the reading has helped me to look at them in a new light.
How did I feel when I read through the diaries? Really sad and depressed.
Could I be bothered to read through all of the diaries? No - the writing might be good, but the content is either boring or painful.
Will reading these diaries in the future ever be a joyful experience? No
So why do that to myself? Good point, well made.
In addition to clearing out my possessions, I also have other tools to use - meditations on clearing up issues with people from past lives (tough to do with a head that won't stop thinking), regular Mikveh (bobbing up and down in a swimming pool whilst following a meditation sheet - leads to physical cleansing and 'rebirth') and once all of the trash is gone, cleansing the house with white sage.
Once I have achieved all of this, it will be like cutting the string on a helium balloon - my life is simply going to take off. And this year, for me, is all about action, action, action. Best buy some bin bags, then.
All I can say is, hang on to your hats and watch this space.