Let's be honest here, how many people do you know who set up a business with really big ideas and then act on none of them? My business plan was simple - first sort out the contract for creating the trainers manuals, which will bring in a bit of income and keep me busy for a few weeks, then train up to be a trainer with the company (easy-peasy, because I would have immersed myself in the material whilst developing the trainers' manuals), then run training courses whilst building my own materials.
And then all of this 'clearing' stuff got in the way and whilst dragging up old memories and feeling physically sick at the thought of throwing so many things away, I lost any focus that I had on work (which I have to admit, wasn't that much to start off with).
I mean, how hard can it be to sling a few bits on eBay and arrange a car boot sale? At my Astrology reading, I was told that as soon as I got rid of all of the baggage and started taking action, everything was going to start opening up and big things were going to come to me - work, love - everything I could possibly dream of was all there for the taking. And yet still I sat on my arse incapable of taking any action. And the less action I took, the lower I felt.
On Wednesday night, after spending the whole day in an ever deepening mire, I spoke to a friend at the Kabbalah centre. Rather than providing any sympathy, she suggested that instead of being disappointed with myself, that I should approach my feelings with the attitude of "Okay, NEXT!" and move on. She also told me to increase my use of the tools - prayers, meditations, scanning the Aramaic text of the Zohar - doing whatever I could to break the cycle.
I stayed at my friends house that night and decided to grab a volume of the Zohar when I arrived and scan for 10 minutes. I selected a volume and randomly opened the book - and stopped in my tracks. There, on the page was my (real) name - Deborah (you didn't really think that my parents would christen me Kabbalah, did you?)
Well, maybe a coincidence. Blatantly this portion would be littered with the name. I searched the previous pages, and the following pages, and this was the only reference to my name. In fact, I have not found my name listed in the Zohar before. So I skipped back a few paragraphs and started to read the translation. On the previous page, I found a reference to the receiving of the Torah. The Torah was received by Moses on Mount Sinai on the sixth day of Gemini - Shavuot - which was the day I was born. Curious.
Not being able to make head nor tail of the meaning of the translation, I decided to discover who Deborah was. It turns out that Deborah was probably one of the most powerful women in Israel. According to the information I found online, she was the only female high court judge, a prophetess, a poet and a general. She persuaded General Barak to raise an army of 10,000 men to defeat the Canaanites, and attended the battle. She was not a proponent of war, however, preferring to provide counsel to those who required her wisdom, coming from a place of love and peace. The document stated that everyone listened to her. Oh God, that sounds so much like me...
Reading this information gave me the courage to finally make a phone call to sort out the trainers' manual contracts, and I had been advised to speak to a different business partner - B. As it turns out, B had no idea of any agreements in place, had never seen the value in the creation of these manuals, did not want to invest, did not think that the manuals were needed or were any level of priority and thought that the length of time to create them was a complete fallacy. He made it sound as though I was really trying to stitch them up. Great.
Straining to keep a calm disposition, I asked about training to become a trainer, at which point he suggested that I call back in two weeks when things had settled down a bit at their end.
So much for being listened to.
After five minutes wailing messily on a friend's shoulder, my analytical brain started to do the math. The reason why I had held back on confirming this contract was partly because I didn't want to face the financial reality of them turning me down, and partly because I didn't want to create the bloody manuals in the first place. The more I thought of the actual process of creating them, the more I saw the task as a trauma rather than a joy. It was more something to get out of the way so that I could start to do what I really wanted to do - training.
Now that I know that the contract is not going ahead - despite my financial situation - I feel slightly relieved. In fact, so relieved that even if the first partner begged me to create the manuals, I think I would walk away. I may not have handled the situation perfectly, but who needs that kind of hassle?
Then I thought back to the Astrology prediction and my belief that everything happens for a reason. I have little idea of where I go from here - who to approach, where the next penny is coming from - but as long as I start to push and make progress, things will start to show up. I still trust that - even though I don't get it just yet - the Universe is unfolding as it should.
In which case: "NEXT!!"