I can make all of the excuses in the world, but at the end of the day it was my choice not to rush in to London and hear the lecture and the Torah reading. What I do know is that once the decision is made, the best plan is to let go any feelings of guilt, because guilt is not a positive energy. Guilt will only serve to block the Light. So I decided to put my day in to action instead of wasting it, and I have a long list of things to do - all of which I will enjoy. Dammit.
Whilst sitting on my bed with my umpteenth cup of tea, my eyes fell on my deck of cards for the 72 Names of God, and I was reminded of Thursday night's Kabbalah 2 class. It was a question and answer session and in the last ten minutes, one of my students asked the question "Where did the 72 Names of God come from and who discovered what each name meant?"
The 72 Names of God are 72 different combinations of three Hebrew letters, and each of them has a specific (and powerful) meditative quality. Either the entire chart of Names can be scanned, or an individual Name can be picked depending on the issue in your life. So, for example, if you have issues with finance, you can meditate on Name number 45: The Power of Prosperity - either with the intention of connecting to abundance, or by asking for assistance on where your abundance may be blocked (i.e 'what do I need to change to receive abundance in my life?').
Prior to the creation of the commercialised package of the 72 Names of God book and the card deck, the energy behind each Name was already in existence but unknown by the author, Yehuda Berg. And so he started the long process of his own research so that this information could be shared. After a period of time, he had all but two of the Names defined and could not find their meaning no matter how hard he looked or how hard he tried. His father, Rav Berg, knew their meaning but advised that Yehuda had to find this information for himself - it was part of his process.
Eventually after striving so hard to discover this information, Yehuda put the project to one side. He had done as much as he could and came to realise that this information could not be forced, so with much reluctance, he let go.
Almost a year later he was in a bookshop and out of the corner of his eye he spotted a book which was unlike any other - it seemed to stand out from the rest. When he opened the book he found the answers to the two remaining Names - one of which was Name number 58: 'Letting Go'.
We asked what the other Name was, but our teacher didn't know. One of the students said "So if we meditate on what the other Name was, and you ask Yehuda, perhaps we can compare next week"
Perhaps. Or perhaps we can just let go of our need to know.
So anyway, this morning I decided to shuffle the deck, ask for a message and meditate on a randomly selected card. I had a moment of silence and after shuffling the deck I laid the cards out on the bed, then messed them around a bit more. They were well and truly shuffled. The card I selected was 26. Order from Chaos. The meditation for this Name reads "I know that harmony always underlies chaos and with this Name, balance and serenity are restored in the seven days of the week. Order emerges from chaos. Not only will my toast not fall on the buttered side, it won't fall at all!"
The card feels appropriate. There are so many changes in progress that sometimes it is hard to see the wood for the trees. Where will I live? Who will I live with? How will I sell all of this stuff? Where do I focus my effort with my business? How is any of this going to sort itself out?
Added to this, there is the unexpected challenge of a new teacher. Out of all of the teachers at the centre, I felt blessed for having mine. I felt an instant connection with his energy that I cannot imagine with any of the other teachers. I don't want to start again with someone else. Yes, yes, theoretically I know that everything happens for a reason, but in reality my arms are folded and my bottom lip is out. I don't want a new teacher. I want my teacher.
With everything else going on in my life, it felt like one more change that I really don't need. But despite this, I still know that everything is going to sort itself out. I have a new soul, and my new soul needs a new teacher to take me to the next level. I need a new and different energy to prod my brain for new questions that need to be answered. My reluctance to change is a natural reaction - it is based on fear. And, oh, how many times do I need to repeat this? Fear is an Illusion.
After meditating on this Name, I gathered up the cards from the bed, randomly placing the Order from Chaos in amongst the others, and squeezed the deck back in to the box. And then a thought occurred to me - I wonder if I could pick the 'missing' Name that Yehuda was unable to find?
I removed the cards from the box a second time and silently shuffled the deck several times over, repeating the phrase Yehuda's card in my head. Then I spread the cards out in a long line and picked another card at random. The card I picked?
Name No. 26.... Order from Chaos...
I think that someone is trying to make a point...